Love Heals All Wounds
by EveryROSEHasItsThorn3
Summary: "When you finally come to terms that you need someone to talk to I'll be there to help, but don't ask me to sit here and watch you hurt yourself, cause that's what you're doing. By not dealing with this, whatever this is, you're hurting yourself"
1. Chapter 1

_**So I'm trying this story again, let me know what you think there have been some major and some minor changes.**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.**_

_**Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.**_

Chapter 1

Just as I was putting the finishing touches on my make-up I heard a honk outside. Taking one final look in the mirror, I smoothed out my Cheerios skirt, grabbed my backpack and rushed into the kitchen to grab a breakfast bars. Right as I was about to kiss my mother goodbye I heard the chime of my iPhone.

**Quinn Fabray**

**New Message**

**September 5, 2011 7:00 AM**

**Hurry up bitch**

I rolled my eyes and shouted "See you later Mama" as I ran out the door.

"'Bout time San what the hell took you so long?" Quinn doesn't even give me time to be fully in the car before she asks.

"I was just trying to teach my good friend some patience." I replied sarcastically.

"Yeah well can you save your lessons for when we aren't already running late?" Quinn replies "Now hurry up and buckle up we still need to pick up Britt and Rach."

"A bit grumpy this morning are we?"

"Well it's the first day of Senior Year and I'm really excited! So I would like it if we are not late."

"Why? Same school same teachers same annoying classmates."

"True but I just have a really good feeling about this year."

"Well you go ahead and be little miss optimism I have a horrible feeling about his year" I said with a mock shudder.

"Whatever" Quinn said as she honked the horn to let Brittany know we had arrived.

"Hey Girlies! How are you this morning? Isn't this great? We are finally seniors!" Britt said immediately upon entering the car. She and Rachel have always been the carefree balls of energy in the group whereas Quinn and I were more serious and calm.

"Whoa, slow down Britt." Quinn replied laughing a little bit "And yeah this year is gonna rock!"

"Oh yeah its gonna be totally dank and all that shit" I said. Sarcasm was dripping with every word.

"Oh come on Mrs. Grumpy Gills, its senior year we are gonna rule the school" Brittany said

"And how is that any different from any other year we have been in school? We have run this town since preschool."

Quinn and Brittany shared a look and relied with "True" as they all laughed.

Rachel was next to be picked up and they all shared about their summer experiences. Well the second half of the summer. The first half we had all spent together at Rachel's family beach house in California. They all seemed really excited to be back at school. Well not me, my summer wasn't exactly a good foreshadowing of something good to come this year.

Rachel and I are both in honor classes and therefore have all but sixth period together where I would be at Cheerios and Rachel would be at soccer. Same going for Britt and Quinn they were both in regular classes but since they were both in cheer they had all of their classes together and 6th period with me as well.

Rachel and I went to Calculus first period and Brittany and Quinn went in the other direction to English. For both pairs the halls parted for our path.

Everyone knew not to mess with us ever since Quinn and I beat the shit out of Daniela Johnson and Courtney Davis in fourth grade for calling Brittany stupid and trying to turn the whole school against Rachel just because she had two dads and no mother. We were both suspended and when we came back the whole fourth grade was afraid to mess with any of us four. Its not like we were outwardly mean but if anybody messed with a member of our little family we just aren't gonna let that shit slide. And I'm not saying this to be conceded but we are the hottest shit in this small town. Not to mention my family is the richest in the town. So we are basically royalty here with all the necessities to get out when we graduate.

Anyway, Rachel and I took the back seats in our math class and Finn Hudson, Rachel's boyfriend of two years, took the seat in front of her. Noah Puckerman, more commonly known as Puck, sat in front of me. Puck has been trying to get with me since freshman year but I have always thought it was more fun to just string him and the rest of the school along. Like I always say, "Why tie yourself down to one when you could have all fun with all of them?" I never really had sex with any of them, although the rumors said differently, I just like to flirt and maybe get a little action but never the full thing. Truth be told I'm not ready and I don't care what the rumors had to say so I don't stop those either.

"So babe, how was your summer? Didn't get to hang with you much and I need my Latina fix" Puck said winking.

"Well, Puck, if you must know I was out of town for the last half of my summer at my sisters house in LA." I said and then threw in "but I don't think you would be interested in who I mean what I was doing there" Rachel giggled and Puck looked a little jealous. "But I'm sure you had plenty of company while I was gone. I mean with Sarah and Jessica and Michelle the list just goes on doesn't it?"

"I don't know what your talking about" Puck said looking embarrassed. Truth be told he had no problem telling the whole school about his sexual adventures but when it came to me he wanted me to believe he was an innocent little virgin. And as long as we are being honest I would rather that be the truth for him too.

The lesson started and us four turned to try to learn something. On the way to the next class Rachel was going on about how she thought it was finally time to go all the way with Finn and I was listening with half an ear. I didn't really mean to bring up my sisters house earlier, in fact I kinda wanted to forget it all together. Don't get me wrong I love my sister and I love visiting her but after what happened I just wish that this specific trip had never happened.

"So what do you think?" "San?" "Santana?" "Hey, whats wrong with you?"

I didn't get to far into my own head before Rachel grabbed my arm and shook me back into the real world. I jumped a little and it didn't seem to go unnoticed "You okay? Where did u go just now?"

"Huh? Oh I'm fine. What where you saying?"

Rachel looked and me skeptically but I put on my best poker face so she continued "I was saying that I think it is finally time for me and Finn to make love but I'm scared of getting pregnant. What do you think I should do?"

"Well, I think you should wait until you are absolutely ready but if thats the only thing you are worried about then just ask Quinn where she got her birth control she will take you. After her pregnancy scare I doubt she will want any of the rest of us going through that."

"Yeah that should work, thanks S you always know what to do"

The rest of the day was pretty much a blur. Same shit different classes. Sign the contracts show up tomorrow blah blah blah. It wasn't until Cheerios practice that the day really started.

**_So again let me know what you think._**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing, not the show and not the music.**_

_**Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.**_

Chapter 2

Sixth period finally arrived and I couldn't have been happier. Yeah coach was kinda a hard ass, but all the stunts we perform give me such an adrenaline rush that I love. I'm a flyer since I'm so tiny which meant that I am in the air for most of the routine. I just feel like i am literally flying and free.

I, along with Quinn and Brittany, met Coach Sylvester on the field. The four of us were watching the new members with judgmental eyes. Sue had been training us since freshman year on how to spot the weakest links. There were quite a few this year.

"Well ladies looks like we are going to have to have extra practices this year to really whip these sad excuses for cheer leaders into shape" Sue said never taking her eyes off the squad.

"Coach we have never had a problem with that before. I'm sure we are up for the task this year as well." Quinn replied truly believing there was no challenge in front of her.

"Exactly what I want to hear Q. Now get your squad and take them on a few laps around the track to start off" with that all three of us jogged over to the group of Cheerios.

"Okay children this is how its gonna work. For those of you who are new I'm you captain Quinn Fabray and these are my co-captains Santana Lopez and Brittany Pierce. See to it that you always follow our lead. Trust me you do not want to step even one toe out of line. Are we clear?"

The group relied with many 'yes' s and 'uh huh's

"Good. Now we are going to start with 10 laps around the track. If you don't think you can handle that you should leave now." Many looked like they wanted to leave but they also all knew that as long as they were on the squad they had the slushy immunity so they stuck it out. "Okay then, lets go and don't even think about walking"

As we were running I could feel Pucks eyes on me. Honestly I was used to having all eyes on me by now but I knew it was Puck specifically from his constant whistling and stupid pick-up lines he was throwing out. The football coach wasn't so happy about this and I laughed when he threw a ball at Puck's head and told him to do 100 pushups and get his act together.

Once we where done with our run most of the newbies were exhausted and trying not to collapse. Our trio ran back over to Coach for the next move. "Well Q, it is the first day of school so I guess I'll go easy on all of you, 5 sets of 10 crunches and you are all free to go, I'll have a new routine for you tomorrow." We nodded and again walked back to the squad.

Once practice was over our whole group was back in the locker room. "Hey Rach how was practice?" I asked.

"It was boring. Coach just went over who has what positions and had the newbies watch our trick plays so that they could learn. What bout you girls? Hows the squad looking?"

"Bunch of losers" Quinn said immediately

"I kinda like them" Brittany said while I just shrugged.

"Wait, S doesn't have a comment? Come on San you always have a full blown judgement on every person you meet whats with you today? It seemed like you were never really here all day." Rachel pressed.

"I'm fine. Just tired I guess. Couldn't really sleep last night." I said with another shrug. I didn't really care what these people were like I just wanted to cheer.

"Okay lets just pretend we believe that" Quinn said

"Well I'm going to take a shower before glee starts" I said to get out of the soon to be full on interrogation.

"Is it just me or is there something Santana isn't telling us?" I could here Brittany ask. I stayed around the corner to listen.

"Well if somethings going on with her she will tell us eventually, she always does" Quinn assured. _Trust me not this time. I don't want to say this one out loud._

With that they all took my lead to the showers to get ready for the first day of glee.

After we were all clean we decided to change into regular clothes as opposed to our uniforms for Glee Club. I had brought my favorite skin tight dress and tight leather jacket, only now it kinda looked like I bought it two sizes too big. "Hey San you know everyone was already envious of your body you didn't have to go and loose more weight." Quinn joked.

"Oh I didn't even notice." I said nervously, subconsciously hugging myself. _Damn I really should have tried this on before I brought it. I've been wearing sweats and gym shorts all summer I didn't noticed exactly how much weight I had dropped_. I soon snapped out of it and realized they were all looking at me with freaked out expressions so I threw in "but it cant hurt to be thin right" with a nervous smile. Just play it cool they wont suspect anything.

"Well there is thin and then there is sickly thin" Rachel said the look she gave me said she didn't buy it.

"Whatever lets go we are going to be late." I again found myself trying to get out of an awkward conversation.

I linked pinkies with Brittany and we were on our way. Quinn and Rachel fell back a little both probably trying to figure out what happened. I wasn't too far in front of them and Britt was just humming to herself, so I could still hear their conversation.

"You don't think she is purposely losing weight do you, like I mean she isn't starving herself or throwing up her meals is she?" Rachel asked worriedly. _Not intentionally._

"Rach we all know how much San loves to eat. There is no way she would, let alone could do that to herself." Quinn reasoned. _Wish that was true now._

"True, but it doesn't make sense if anything that dress should be squeezing the life out of her not so loose she looks like a little kid playing dress up with their moms clothes." _Well thats not very nice its not **that** big._

"Well maybe she grew and thats why she looks thinner." _Okay really? Not likely._

"Maybe but I'm not convinced. Something is up with her this year I mean she hasn't talked about her sister's house and she is usually bragging about all the parties she went to and all the fun she had with LA boys." _If I could tell you I would trust me I want to tell you but I don't know how. It's not exactly a comfortable topic._

"I think you are worrying too much. Come on we have known S since forever if something is wrong she will talk to us." _Maybe the old me_.

"Yeah I guess your right"

As they caught up with Britt and me, I was just opening the door. My bracelet decided it was a perfect opportunity to slide up my arm a bit and expose a few cuts on my wrist. I barely caught Quinn and Rachel's shared concerned look.

"Hey San, what happened to your wrist?" Brittany asked innocently.

"Huh? Oh that. You know how clumsy I am, I was trying to open a package and the scissors slipped. It hurt like a bitch but I'm all good Britt-Britt." I said slowly sliding my bracelet back into place and proceeded to find a seat in the now filling classroom.

"Oh, okay." Brittany accepted the story so easily but I could tell Q and Rach were unconvinced. They shared another look and Rachel knew that Quinn was now just as concerned as her.

"Hello kids" Mr. Schue said as he walked into the room.

He was greeted with many 'hi's 'hello's and 'sup's.

"So since it is the first day back I think we should have a little fun don't you?"

His answer was the groups round of 'yeah's and Puck's "Hell yeah." to which he gave a pointed look.

"Anyway, I want you to, as a group, sing your favorite song of the summer. I don't care what it is just come up with one and perform and to make it a little more challenging you have until the last 5 minutes of class so that gives you only 20 minutes starting now"

"Wait Mr. Schue how are we supposed to pick a favorite when we all have very different tastes in music?" Kurt pointed out.

"Majority rules, come on guys time is wasting"

It was like someone released an energy bomb and the whole club was talking at once. "Okay everyone calm down" Rachel started "Quinn you go first what was you favorite song this summer?"

"'Tonight Tonight' by Hot Chelle Rae"

"Okay anyone else agree?" A few glee members raised their hands but not enough for a majority.

"Okay Britt-Britt what about you?"

"'Honey Bee' by Blake Shelton"

"And?" Rachel asked the club. A few raised their hands

Puck spoke up and said "How bout 'Give Me Everything' by Pitbull with Ne-Yo, Nayer and Afrojack?"

Most of the club even those who had already voted answered with 'yes's. All but Rachel agreed. I love Pitbull and this was one of my favorite songs of all time.

It was decided that Artie and Puck would split the rapping parts and Finn and Sam would split the actual singing. Us girls, just like their part in the actual song, would do background vocals and the dance routine was relatively simple. I was paired with Puck, Quinn with Sam, Britt with Mike, Rachel with Finn and I honestly didn't listen past that.

When it came time for us to perform we had it down perfectly. We were in the middle of the song when Puck thought it would be cute to whisper in my ear "Hey, come here baby" and then lean down and place a kiss just under my jaw. At any time before this I would have laughed because it actually fit the song and was kinda cute, but the last time that place was kissed it didn't end well. I know he would never do that to me and he didn't mean for it to be as creepy as the way I felt it but it happened. I froze everything started to move in slow motion, a shiver was sent down my spine. It threw off the whole routine, but before anyone could ask what had happened I was already sprinting from the auditorium holding back a sob. Quinn ran after me and it took a while but Rachel and Brittany weren't far behind.

I could faintly hear Mr. Schue calling it a day as I burst through the doors.

I managed to hold back my water works and by the time they caught up with me I was already calmed down and taking stuff out of my locker so I would be ready to go home.

"Hey guys are you ready to go home?" I asked.

"Are you really going to pretend that that didn't just happen?" Quinn said.

"It's really not that big of a deal" I practically whispered.

"Oh yeah 'cause everyone just randomly trips out in the middle of performing and runs off the stage almost crying." Rachel replied sarcastically. I sent her a glare.

"Look if I wanted to talk about it I would. I'll see you tomorrow" I said already walking away. There was no way I was going to sit through a ride home with them questioning me every second.

"Where are you going? I drove you here." Quinn shouted after me.

"I could use the walk" I replied not bothering to turn around to say it.

I know that as soon as I was out of earshot they started the 'what are we gonna do?' but at this point I really just needed some alone time.

When I finally got home my mother was finishing up making dinner.

"Hi mi hija. Your home late where were you?" Mama said giving me a hug.

"I was at the park for a while, I wanted to take a walk. It was a nice day."

"Oh thats nice sweetie. How was school?"

"It was school mamá, nothing interesting." I said with a laugh, "Where's Papi?" I finished looking down at my phone.

**Puck :)**

**New Message**

**September 5, 2011 5:30 PM**

**hey San i dnt know wht i did today to make u run off but im sorry :/**

I smiled, he really was sweet.

**Brittany Pierce :)***

**New Message**

**September 5, 2011 7:00 PM**

**S, i'm not stupid i know something is wrong. i'm gonna wait for you to tell me but just know that you can tell me. i'm always here for you *:)**

Reply:

**Britt, i'm fine just stressing bout the first day you know i get anxious sometimes. im good now just needed some time to cool off. i pinky promise :)***

**Puck, don't worry about it i'm just weird you know that haha :)**

"He's at work, late shift tonight. And that's all I get? Come on San, I barely spent any of the summer with you even with you coming home early from your sisters house you just spent the rest of your summer locked away in your room. You didn't even spend it with your friends, you hardly eat anything and you are tired all the time. I thought things would change once you went back to school but all I get was 'nothing interesting?' What is going on with you?"

"Ma it was just the first day. Relax I'm sure I will have plenty to tell you by Friday. And as for my summer I just wanted to chill out. I thought you would be happy that I wasn't out getting myself into trouble. But if thats not what you want then I will start going out to parties and have wild stories to tell you that you wont want to hear anyway."

"Mi hija I just want you to have fun. Your a teenager and I get that you go through moods, but you have stopped talking to me. You usually go on for days after you get back from LA about all the fun things you and your sister did. Why didn't you do that this year?"

"Well Sofia was busy most of the time so nothing that exciting happened, I figured if I'm gonna be wasting my day away on my computer I might as well be at home. It's okay though I get it she has work other responsibilities. She can't entertain me as much anymore." Thats not really why I left but I can't exactly tell her the truth without her freaking out. And its too late to do anything about it.

"What about your friends? You never left and they never came over."

"They were busy, Quinn was visiting family in Arizona, Rachel was in New York getting a taste of what the rest of her life will be like and Britt was teaching dance classes"

"Okay, see that wasn't hard I think that was the first real conversation we have had since summer started" she said with a smile

I laughed a little and said, "Well I'm exhausted, between Cheerios practice and the rest of my day all I need is a good night sleep."

"San, its 7 we still need to eat dinner."

"I'm not hungry I ate a big lunch" and with that I kissed my mom goodnight and headed up the stairs to my room to get ready for bed. I checked my phone one last time.

**Puck :)**

**New Message**

**September 5, 2011 7:05 PM**

**Alright, i have a hard time believing thats all but i respect you privacy :) just know that if u need anything im here for you **

**Brittany Pierce :)***

**New Message**

**September 5, 2011 7:07**

**Okay but u better not be lying, u pinky promised dont think that just because its not physical it doesnt count, but the offer still stands. i love you never forget that *:)**

I had to smile at that but then immediately felt bad. It's not like I want to lie to them but how am I supposed to tell them the truth? They would be so disappointed in me and I cant take that on top of everything.

**_Ok please Review._**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.**_

_**Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.**_

Chapter 3

I woke with a start and immediately was in tears. The real reason I had been so tired was that every time I fell asleep I woke not long after from the same nightmare. I looked at the clock.

**3:38 AM**

I hated thinking about this, yet it always came back to haunt me.

_Flashback_

_The party was in full swing, I was sitting on the couch talking to my sisters best friend Taylor._

_"Pretty awesome party huh San?" Taylor asked._

_"Yeah sure beats everything we have in boring old Lima" I slurred with a smile. By this point I was pretty tipsy. I had about 3 shots and 4 mix drinks in my system so it wasn't too bad. Until I stand up that is._

_"Aren't you glad you have an awesome big sister like Sofia?" Taylor laughed._

_"Of course. Where is she by the way? I haven't seen her since like 1 and its 3 now."_

_"She hit the booze a little too hard and passed out up stairs"_

_"Ha, thats a little surprising, after all she is a Lopez and we always handle out liquor"_

_"Well I guess her and Ali got into a little argument and she stormed out so maybe she just drank away her sorrows?"_

_"Yeah that sounds familiar too, Papi has done that a few times" Taylor and I shared a laugh._

_"Well I have work in the morning so I best be going." Taylor said getting up off the couch._

_"Wait you cant drive like this" I ended up getting up a little too fast and quickly lost my balance. She grabbed onto me and helped me stable out._

_"Woah, calm down there" she said laughing, "Unlike you and your sister I stayed sober tonight"_

_"Well your no fun" I slurred laughing._

_"See you later San, tell your sister I'll see her later when she wakes up."_

_"Will do. See you later. I love you."_

_"Yeah I love you too hopefully I'll see you before you take off back home but if I don't travel safely and I'll see you next summer." With that she left and I was by myself on the couch._

_Just then one of Sofia's friends came over to sit next to me._

_"Hey there, what are you doing by yourself?" he slurred._

_"Just deciding what drink to make myself next." I smiled. He was pretty cute. "What's your name?"_

_"Adrian, your Santana right?"_

_"Yeah how did you know that?"_

_"Sofia talks about you all the time and you kinda look like her."_

_"You think so? I never thought we did."_

_"Oh yeah your both very beautiful. Imagine how disappointed I was when I found out she was a lesbian." He chuckled and I joined in._

_"Yeah I'm sure she's broken tons of hearts. Her ex-boyfriend, at the time she finally came to terms that she was gay, was pretty torn up about it. I can see why though, not only is she beautiful but imagine what was going through his head he probably thought he made her gay." We both laughed again._

_"So what about you? You got a boyfriend? Or girlfriend?"_

_"Nope I'm single. And straight."_

_"Well sounds like I might have a chance."_

_"Maybe"_

_We got to my bedroom pretty fast for too drunk people. We made it to my bed and he was straddling me. We lost our shirts, and then my skirt and his pants. Before he threw them to the ground he took something out of the pocket. I quickly realized what he was going for and even in my current state knew I didn't want to loose it like this._

_"Um wait."_

_"Whats wrong?"_

_"Well I mean don't get me wrong this is fun and everything but I don't want any more than this."_

_"What?" he asked and I could tell he was thoroughly confused._

_"Well maybe a little more but I don't want to actually have sex with you."_

_"Is this a joke? Why not?"_

_"Well um it's just that I'm in high school your twenty-seven. Don't get me wrong this right here is fun, but sex means something to me and I don't want to give it to someone I just met an hour ago."_

_"Wow such a fucking tease."_

_Before I could defend myself he was out the door slamming it behind him. I sat there confused for a few seconds and then finally snapped out of my daze. Thats when I realized he left his clothes in here. I was about to put mine back on so that I could take him his or at least leave them outside the door when the door was thrown back open._

_"You know what? No! I gave up easily on your sister but I'm not gonna just let you get off that easily. You see this?" he pointed down to his still erect member. "You caused this and your gonna take care of it."_

_Im sure had he been sober he wouldn't be doing this. I mean really? His comment about Sofia didn't even make sense. He had definitely scared me sober...ish. I was gonna make a run for the door to call for help when I felt his body crash into mine. He roughly started kissing me. First my mouth then trailing kisses down my jaw neck and toward my chest. He forced me to do a lot, well actually everything._

_End Flashback_

The next morning Sofia could tell something was wrong.

I didn't want to tell her everything so I just said that he tried stuff but I was able to stop it and nothing else past the storm out happened. Still she was furious. She said that they had only met that same day. He wasn't even her friend he was Amanda's friends friend. So I'm not entirely sure how he knew who I was, but that didn't matter. Sofia said she was sorry and that she would personally kick his ass. I had to fight her on it but I eventually got her to let it go. I didn't want her anywhere near him so I had her agree that she would just cut off any contact she might have with him in the future.

I left a few days after that. It was earlier than planned, by about two weeks, but I just wanted to be in my own home, my own bed, and as far away from him as I could possibly be. I told Sofia that I was just home sick and I told Mama and Papi that I was bored. It seemed to work.

Everything went down hill for her after that. I stopped eating, couldn't sleep and started cutting myself. It wasn't like I was trying to kill myself but since this scene was on a constant replay in my head I often felt nauseous and lost my appetite quickly. As for the cutting, it was because of how much I hated myself for letting it all happen and then not telling anyone. It was a punishment to myself. I mean how could I be so stupid. No twenty-seven year old is going to settle for some lip action, they want the whole thing. Even an intoxicated person should be able to figure that out. I know it doesn't make much sense now but at the time it did. It was a short faze but the scars remind me everyday what an idiot I was.

Okay San, everyone is going to find out if you keep up this way. Its already been a week back at school, you cant go the whole year like this. Calm down and don't let it eat at you anymore. Q, Rach, and Britt Britt are worried and you cant let them be this concerned. You have to go back to normal if not for yourself then for everyone else. You are a very strong woman you can get through everything stop feeling sorry for yourself and live again. When you go to school tomorrow just explain that you were having a bad day but everything is fine now. Bottom line go back to normal. You can do this it's not that hard. You've had like a month to deal with this, and now its go time. Put up the mask if thats what it takes. Hey have a little fun. Date Puck Lord knows that boy wants you bad. Go out with the girls. Get you life back. It doesn't have to be bad. They, more than anyone else, can help you through this and you don't even have to tell them what is up.

After my pep talk I fell asleep relatively quickly and woke up later to my alarm. I put on my newly found smile and got ready for school. As I was thinking about how I would finally accept Pucks advances my phone chimed.

**Quinn Fabray**

**New Message**

**September 12, 2011 6:45AM**

**Hey i'm here.**

I shouted a goodbye to her mom and was out the door.

"Hello, how are you doing this fine morning?" I said while climbing into the car._ Okay maybe a little overboard tone it down a bit._

"Uh I'm fine, and you?" Quinn asked thoroughly confused.

"Can't complain"

After picking up both Brittany and Rachel, I decided it was time for damage control.

"Hey, so I know I was acting a little weird last week and I know you are all concerned but please don't be, I was just in a mood you know PMS. But I'm fine now so whatever intervention you were all planning don't worry bout it, it was a one time thing I promise." I finished with a smile.

They all looked at me trying to find the smallest detail in my expression that would say I was lying but no such thing could be found. I went pro in hiding my true emotions when I want to like two years ago.

"Okay" they all said slowly.

"Good, now whats going on this weekend"

"San, its only Monday" Rachel said

"Never hurts to plan ahead, I want something to look forward to to get me through the week"

"Well, my mom is going out of town so we can have a kick back at my house." Quinn threw in.

"Sounds perfect" Brittany said

"Good, then its a plan, invite the usual people and I'll get my brother to get the stuff" I finished satisfied. _This wasn't so hard, I could handle this. Everything was going to be fine._

**_Please Review_**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.**_

_**Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.**_

Chapter 4

The rest of the week seemed to go by relatively quickly. My panic attacks were taken down to once a day by Thursday. I still didn't like people getting to close to me, but it was getting better. I was able to eat a little more, but the nightmares were taking longer to wear off. I was a little nervous about staying at Quinn's house this Saturday with all of my friends but I was willing to try, and that was a step forward.

"Hey San, you ready to party this weekend?" Puck had started to realize that I flinched every time he tried to give me a hug or get to close in my personal space so he kept a good distance.

"Yeah, cant wait" I said with a genuine smile. I figured Saturday would be a good time for me to make a little more progress and Puck could help with that.

He smiled back "So promise you take the first shot of the night with me?"

"Of course, hey we can be drinking buddies the whole night if you want." Maybe the alcohol will take away some stress and I'll be able to sleep the night all the way through.

"Awesome, I'll see you tomorrow then." With that he took off to his car.

Quinn and Britt walked up to me seconds after Puck left. "You ready to start the weekend chica?" Quinn asked.

"Hells yeah, where is Rach?" I replied as we were walking to Quinn's car.

"She had to go home first. Hence the reason she drove herself today"

"Oh, I thought she was just excited she finally got her license."

"Well, that too I guess, speaking of that, when are you two going to get your licenses? I'm not gonna be able to drive you around forever."

"I'm working on it" Brittany replied. Quinn always got on our case about this, she didn't like being the DD when we went out partying.

"Yeah Q not everyone ran to get their license on their sixteenth birthday, some of us get a little timid behind the wheel."

"Ha. Santana Lopez scared to drive? Come on S you have been driving Dune Buggies and Quads and Sea Doos and Boats since you were tall enough to see over the dash board how is a car that much different?"

"How bout the fact that there are pedestrians, and buildings and other shit I could crash into. You know how easily I am distracted I'm not scared for myself I'm scared for all the poor innocent souls I would hurt if I saw a hot guy in the car next to me or walking down the street. When I'm driving all those other things all thats next to me is open land or open water."

"Okay I get your point and I want a fair warning the second you do get you license." We were all laughing as we entered the Fabray residence.

"So who is coming to the party tomorrow night?" Brittany asked

"Uh so far it is us four, Finn, Mercedes, Tina, Mike, Kurt, Sam, Artie, Lauren, and Puck. Oh and Pucks new girlfriend and I think some people from the Cheerios and the Football and Wrestling team."

"Woah I thought we said kickback not a party and wait did you say Puck has a new girlfriend?" I was more than hurt at the thought. I mean he had been after me since like before freshman year. Yeah he had had other girlfriends and I never really showed a true interest, but I had been flirting all week. I thought I had made it pretty damn obvious that I wanted him now. Why had he not mentioned it in all the times that we had talked this week?

"Yeah, he is dating this girl from the 'Christ in Action' club. Which I find totally weird considering he usually only has a girl long enough to fuck her and then moves on to the next target. The only girl he has shown more than a weeks worth of interest in is you."

"Hm that is weird" I was trying really hard to hide how upset I was by this and was for the most part succeeding. Brittany was giving me a sad smile, she was the only one I had told last year when I realized I might like Puck. And I'm pretty sure she caught up on all my signals to him this past week.

"So who are you gonna go after at this party Q?" Brittany was attempting to change the topic from Puck.

"I was thinking Jay from the wrestling team. He's extremely hot. What bout you Britt? Santana? Who are you two gonna go for?"

This had been a game we had started Sophomore year when Quinn lost her virginity. We all had different goals. Quinn liked to go all the way, but sometimes just a little foreplay type action was enough for her. Britt didn't really like the game at all, she usually just settled for flirting. I didn't really start playing till last year and it was an accident seeing as I was drunk at the time, but I never had actual sex. For this party though, I couldn't really imagine doing anything without having a serious panic attack. I mean that game is kinda what got the Adrian situation going anyway. And I definitely didn't want a repeat of that.

"I think I'll check out who shows up and then make my call"

"Yeah Britt that sounds like a good idea. I think I'll do the same."

Rachel showed up a few hours later and we settled for watching a few movies before falling asleep. Tomorrow was the party and what was possible to be an extremely stressful day for me.

At the Party

People started showing up around 9 and immediately got to drinking. As promised I took my first shot with Puck and continued to be his drinking buddy. I realized that I had been right, with each drink I felt more and more weight being lifted off my shoulders. Any fear of a panic attack was washed down with the fourth shot and third mix drink. We where sitting around the fire in the backyard with my sixth drink in hand when I finally asked,

"So wheres this new girlfriend I've been hearing about?" I slurred.

"Oh uh well her parents are kinda strict so she isn't allowed out past 10 and I didn't want to have to drive her home after I had already started drinking so she is at home. Plus she doesn't really like the party scene."

"Wow and you are willing to put up with that? She must be some hot shit." my nonchalant facade was also washing away with every drink.

"Yeah she is pretty cool, I don't know I just decided that this year i was going to date more and not just hook up. Figure she is my best shot at fixing my 'Man-Whore'ish ways as Rachel calls it" So she was to blame? I'll have to remember that.

"I like the old, real you." I said suggestively as I downed the rest of my drink and went to make myself another. "Where's my girls at?" I asked Kurt when I reached the kitchen.

"Well Rachel drank too much and is now passed out with Finn in one of the guest rooms, and Quinn and Britt are talking care of Artie. Apparently he also drank too much and some of the football guys thought it would be funny to put him in the bathtub and hide his chair."

I soon found a more than frustrated Quinn and slightly tipsy Brittany carrying Artie from the bathroom and putting him into another guest bed. Right when I was about to ask if they needed any help one of the Cheerios ran into the bathroom and started puking her guts up. Quinn looked up at the sound and her already frustrated expression turned to pure anger.

"I WANT EVERYONE OUT!" she yelled "ANYONE I DIDN'T ALREADY GIVE PERMISSION TO SPEND THE NIGHT LEAVES NOW!" Puck walked up right at the end of her outburst.

"Okay relax we'll take care of it." I grabbed Puck and quickly walked away.

"What's her problem?"

"She didn't get to drink 'cause its her own party so she is upset that she is the only one not having a good time." I reached the stereo system and pulled the plug. "ALL RIGHT ATTENTION PARTY GOERS, IF MY GIRL Q DIDNT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO STAY THE NIGHT HERE THEN YOU NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT. I TRUST YOU ALL HAVE DESIGNATED DRIVER? FIND THEM AND LEAVE. OKAY? ALL RIGHT THEN BU-BYE NOW"

"Nicely done Lopez" Puck was also slurring at this point.

"Yeah. Now I need to find the owner of that Cheerio in the bathroom."

Once everyone minus the glee club was gone it was a true kickback. Quinn was able to have a few drinks and calm down. Everyone was getting pretty tired so we were figuring out sleeping arrangements.

"Well, my mom's bed is pretty big so with Rach in the guest room there is probably enough room for the rest of us girls, well assuming that Tina would like to stay with Mike for the night."

With a nod from Tina the rest of the girls started going to the back room. I wasn't feeling sleeping in a bed with that many people.

"Uh Q, I think I'm gonna take your bed tonight, I don't feel like being squished."

"Suit yourself S"

Almost everyone was asleep when I decide to make my way into Quinn's room. Everyone, that is, except for Puck.

"Hey mind if I join you?" Had I been sober I would have thought twice before saying yes. This was a pretty bad idea, but the alcohol seemed to erase my better judgement.

"Not at all" I smiled.

Once in the bed and comfortable, we both realized we still weren't tired.

"So, whats you favorite TV show?"

"Seriously Puck? Thats what pops into your mind right now?" I laughed.

"Got a better conversation starter?" he challenged.

"Fine then. Um I guess it has to be Family Guy or the Simpsons."

"Really? Me too. Uh whats you favorite movie?"

We went on for a while asking and answering pointless questions and laughing at the most random shit. When we finally calmed down from laughing about embarrassing childhood stories I realized that we were now facing each other and just inches apart. Puck took this opportunity to go in for a kiss. I broke the kiss quickly. Even though I was sobering up I didn't feel a panic attack coming on, but I still couldn't do this. Not like this, as much as I wanted to, he had a girlfriend and I was not a cheater.

"Puck no we cant."

"Why not?"

"You have a girlfriend"

"When has that ever stopped me before?" he went in for another kiss and this time I let it happen. I couldn't think of a better reason to stop him. It felt really good but we didn't get far before I pulled away, my better judgement finally coming into play.

"Look Puck I'm not gonna do this with you."

"Why not?"

"You have a girlfriend"

"But you know I've always liked you. I mean I don't even like Crystal that much I was just trying to get over you. We fight all the time because of all our differences. And I'm thinking of breaking up with her."

"Well that all might be true but until you actually do we cant do this I'm not a cheater."

"The way I see it it's not cheating unless there is a ring on the finger."

As much as I wanted to argue against that I really couldn't. Maybe it was because of the remaining alcohol in my system or because I actually like Puck or because being with him just felt really good, but what the hell right? We didn't do much so, in this case, he was right this couldn't be cheating. When we finally fell asleep his arms were securely wrapped around me and I felt safe.

When I woke the next morning and realized I didn't have any nightmares. That night my theory was confirmed, alcohol it the cause and solution to every problem. I just had to assume that Puck was only a small portion of what stopped my nightmares that night.

_**Please review**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.**_

_**Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.**_

Chapter 5

After that every party we went to I drank more than usual. Before Quinn's party my limit was usually 5 mix drinks and maybe 3 shots. Now it was more like 8 mix drinks and 5 to 6 shots. I guess it distracted me enough to stop my nightmares all together. I was feeling so much better these days. It was like someone had flipped a switch in my head. Of course I didn't drink during the week but my weekend splurges lasted I guess. Parties were becoming my thing. If there was a party I was there. I had hooked up with Puck a few more times. He still hadn't broken up with his girlfriend but that wasn't really my problem.

Its the first day of winter break and so far there wasn't any talk about upcoming parties. I made plans to hang with the girls tonight. We haven't had any alone time together since school started so we figured now was the perfect opportunity. I was just about to text Brittany to see if we all wanted to get together a little earlier than we originally planned when my phone chimed.

**Sam Evans**

**New Message**

**December 19, 2011 12:34 PM**

**Hey what are you doing today?**

Sam and I have been talking alot lately. He's pretty cool.

_**Girls night later but nothing right now. Y?**_

**Puck and i wanted to know if u wanted to chill**

_**Sounds dangerous for me ;)**_

**haha no we were just gonna play some COD and i know u said u liked it**

_**Well i do. haha ok ill be over in 5**_

**Cool :)**

He only lived on the next street over from me so I started walking. I figured I would stop by for a bit then come back home and get ready for Rachel to come pick me up so we could head over to Quinn's.

I went straight to the basement when I got to Sam's just like I always did.

"Hey Lopez, you ready for this? Cause I'm totally gonna kick your ass."

"In your dreams Puckerman. Sam, maybe, but you suck."

"Well, lets just prove your little theory wrong shall we?"

"Sounds good lets go."

"Wait guys. I thought I'd make this a little more fun for all of us."

"How?" Puck asked.

"With this." Sam help up a bag filled with what I assumed with weed considering there was a bong in his other hand.

"Oh I'm so down. What bout you San?"

"Well um."

"San it will make you feel great and the game will be a lot more interesting."

"I don't know"

"Oh come on don't be a little baby."

"Puck not cool don't be like that if she doesn't want to she doesn't have to."

"Its not that I don't want to. I've always wanted to try it. It's just that I'm going to hang out with the girls later and I know Rach would give me hell if she knew."

"Thats fine ten you don't have to"

"Well whats gonna happen if i do?"

"Your gonna die" Puck said simply, to which I slapped him upside the head.

"I'm serious"

"Yeah Puck just shut up. San everyone is different. Some people get the munchies others just laugh at everything some get really tired. It just depends. Puck here acts like an idiot but I guess thats kinda normal. And I just get really relaxed. Oh some people get really paranoid though."

"But will it be obvious if I go out like that?"

"Like I said it just depends. It might be more obvious to them though because they have known you forever. You can just try one hit and if you don't like it you don't have to do anymore?"

"Alright I'll try it."

"Thats my girl" Puck called from his spot on the couch "Now lets hurry up so I can kick both your asses."

"Dream on Puck."

I ended up smoking alot with them. It was fun and I found out that I get the giggles and the munchies.

By the time I got home I only had twenty minutes until Rachel was due to pick me up. It was a good thing I had everything ready. I ran upstairs to get changed and brush my teeth trying to hide any sign that I had been smoking. I thanked God my parents weren't home cause I was still laughing at nothing. I had to put a handle on that before Rachel picked me up.

Rachel showed up just as I was getting a quick snack from the kitchen. She honked and i ran outside.

"Helloooooo Rachel. How are you doing?" I giggled and she gave me a weird look.

"Hey San. Hurry up lets go."

"You okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Well, actually no I'm not but I'll talk about it when we get to Quinn's"

"O-tay"

"Are you okay? You're acting weird?"

"I'm fine. Great actually." She gave me another weird look but didn't push it. Guess I kinda lucked out that she wasn't having a good day otherwise I would have totally been busted.

Once we were all at Quinn's house Rachel spilled about what was bugging her. Apparently Finn was getting on her case about spending too much time with us and never with him.

"That's bull shit. We haven't even all properly hung out together since the first half of our summer. Since school started we only hang out at school and at parties all of which he has been with us too." Quinn was pretty pissed too.

"That's exactly what I told him but he said I should be spending most of my time with him anyway."

"That's stupid I mean its not like we are going to take up your whole break just tonight for sure."

"What does he not like us or something?" Brittany asked.

"Well thats actually something else he brought up. He said that all of you are a bad influence on me."

"Really? Wow! Says the guy that is trying to pressure you into having sex. If you really were influenced that much by us you would have given it up to him by the second week in your relationship." I had to laugh at Quinn's comment.

"Santana this is serious. You shouldn't be laughing." Rachel looked frustrated.

"Oh, right, sorry but it was kinda funny. Q's right obviously he is stupid for saying that."

"So why is it funny?"

"I don't know" I said still laughing "Just the way she said it. Am I seriously the only one who thought that was funny?"

"It was kinda funny but not really funny enough to be laughing as much as you are." Britt said.

"Whatever, so what are you going to do Rach?"

"I don't know, I mean I really do love him but lately he has been so clingy."

"Well, how bout we make tonight fun and just forget about the rest of the world? Quinn is your mom coming home tonight?"

"No, she is away on business again. Why?"

"Cause I brought a little treat for all of us." I pulled a bottle of Malibu out of my bag. "Got any soda to mix this with?"

"Yeah but how did you know we would need this tonight?"

"I didn't but I thought it would be fun either way. So who wants a drink?"

Everyone but Brittany decided to drink. Rachel and Quinn were now laughing about nothing. I was feeling pretty good too. Later I decided to find out why Britt was being all quiet tonight.

"Hey Britt Britt, whats wrong?"

"Nothing. Why?"

"I don't know its just you've been really quiet tonight and I just wanted to make sure you are okay." She just shook her head and we sat there quietly for a while.

"Why do you drink all the time now?" she asked out of nowhere.

"What do you mean? I've always drank."

"Yeah I know but lately thats all you do at parties. It's like you cant live without it now. We used to dance and play games at parties but now you just drink until you pass out. I don't get it that cant be very fun."

I guess I had never thought about it till right this second. She was right it wasn't much fun, and the hangover always sucked, but it's what kept the memories away.

"Alot of the time you look like your fighting something. Like this is a type of safety net that keeps you from being sad. I never really believed you when you said that first week of school was just PMS. I think your doing this to push past whatever was haunting you back then. It's not healthy San. I want to help you but I can't do that if you don't tell me whats going on."

"Britt honestly I'm fine. You know I come to you with everything. That doesn't change now. If I had something to tell you I would. I just like to drink is that such a crime?"

"I still don't believe you. So when you finally come to terms that you need someone to talk to I'll be there to help but don't ask me to sit here and watch you hurt yourself, cause thats what your doing. By not dealing with this, whatever this is, your hurting yourself, mentally and physically."

I reached down and ran my fingers over the scars on my wrist. I'm not sure if she caught on to what those really where or if she was talking about what all this alcohol is doing to my liver but either way she was right. Every once in a while I would get mad that I wasn't dealing with this properly and put another cut on my wrist or my thigh. I'm not stupid I know that by not telling anyone I'm never going to get over it but I don't want to tell anyone either. Don't ask me why, cause I honestly have no idea, but I just cant. Not yet anyway.

"I love you Santana, please let me help you." The look in her eyes was so sincere that I had to believe I could eventually go to her with this. I was hurting her too with all of this.

"Look Britt, your right. Something is bothering me, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I promise though when I am your the first person I'll go to. I love you too."

"Can you promise me something else too?"

"Sure what is it?"

"Stop drinking. Or at least stop drinking so much. Maybe stick to like two drinks a party? Please?"

I was hesitant but finally said, "Sure Britt, if it makes you feel better I'll limit myself from now on."

"Thank you San"

Lets just see how long this last. I have to admit I'm a little nervous. I've been using this as my crutch for a while and I don't know how I'll react to the change, but it will be worth it to make Britt feel better.

**_So please review. Also, I'm trying to figure out if I should ultimately make this a Brittana story or a Pucktana story, cause I have it written both ways I just need to know which one to use. So please leave me a message and let me know what you think._**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.**_

_**Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.**_

Chapter 6

It was a slow start. Quitting was harder than it should have been, but I wasn't gonna go back on my promise. This meant a lot to Britt and if I couldn't tell her what was going on the least I could do was ease her mind. Its been three weeks since our talk and it was our first week back to school since break. there was 5 parties that I had to contain myself at. The New Year party was the hardest. Its really sad how dependent I have become on drinking. I haven't completely gone back to the dark place but I started having some nightmares again. Today was a particularly bad day, and thats when I remembered how I felt after Puck Sam and I got high. It put me in a completely relaxed mood. So I decided to text him.

_**Hey Sam what are you doing?**_

**Just chillin wanna join?**

_**Exactly what i had in mind ill be over in 5.**_

**cool :)**

When I got there he was playing his new game.

"Hey San. how was your first week back at school?"

"Horrible. That's why I'm here."

"Oh really? What do you wanna do?"

"Well, you see, I was wondering if you had anymore weed?" I said with a smile.

"Of course, I never let myself run out."

"Great"

We smoked for a while and I felt much better. Relaxed.

"You know San this stuff isn't cheap"

"Alright? So you want me to pay you back?"

"How bout you just go out with me and we'll call it even?"

"How is that even? If you take me out then you paid for both the weed and the date?"

"Yeah well a date with you would be worth both" He said shyly.

"Fine you got yourself a deal." I smiled.

The date was nice. Sam is a really nice, funny guy, even if he is a total nerd at heart. After that we started dating regularly and eventually decided to make it official. The girls were surprised but also pretty excited. I never told them how it all started and asked him not to tell them the real story either. They would be pissed if they found out I had started smoking. Well, maybe not Quinn but Britt and Rach would be.

Prom is next weekend and we are all really excited. Puck decided to throw a party this weekend to get everyone even more excited for next weekend. Quinn and Britt are going to miss it because they have a cheer competition, I quit the Cheerios a few weeks ago. It wasn't fun anymore and this meant I had more time to spend with Sam. He wasn't going to be at the party either he had some family stuff to do so I would be riding solo.

Its currently Friday and I'm with Sam in his basement. It became our routine, on days we didn't have Glee Club we would go back to his house after school and hang out in his basement. Some days we would just talk others we would smoke sometimes we would fool around. It was fun and I felt like I was finally healing, for real.

Right now was a smoking day. These days often lead to fooling around but not always. Right now we were fine just being together. Suddenly my phone started ringing. Without looking at the caller ID I answered.

"Hello?"

'hey San what are you doing?'

"Hey Britt! I'm hanging out with Sam right now. What's up?"

'oh sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to let you know that we just landed in Tennessee for the competition.'

"No its fine we just finished smoking and now we are just relaxing" oh fuck I shouldn't have said that.

'YOU WHAT? SANTANA DID YOU JUST SAY YOU WERE SMOKING? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THAT? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PACT WE MADE THE SUMMER BEFORE FRESHMAN YEAR? HUH? IS THIS WHAT YOUVE BEEN USING TO SUBSTITUTE YOUR DRINKING?'

Sam could obviously hear her screaming and gave me a panicked look

"Woah Britt calm down I..."

'DONT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN.' I started to get pissed after that.

"LOOK YOUR OVER REACTING ITS FINE"

'HOW THE FUCK, AM I OVER REACTING? WE PUT IT TO A PINKY PROMISE THOSE USED TO MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU.' Britt didn't like swearing especially the F-word so I knew she was really pissed, I just couldn't for the life of me figure why.

"BRITT SERIOUSLY CALM THE FUCK DOWN THAT WAS YEARS AGO PEOPLE CHANGE. ITS REALLY NOT A BIG DEAL"

'YOU KNOW WHAT, WHATEVER HAVE FUN.' and with that she hung up.

"What was that all about?"

"She's freaking out cause I said I was smoking"

"Yeah I gathered that but why is it such a big deal?"

"I don't know. I mean we made a pinky promise when we were younger that we never would but I mean I never thought it was that big of a deal...oh fuck"

"What?" He asked again looking panicked.

"I remember why we made that promise now. Shit I messed up I shouldn't have said she was over reacting."

"Wait why did you make the promise?"

"It was the summer going into freshman year. Brittany's cousin who lived in California was a total pot head. One day he drove while he was high and was killed in a car accident. She was so messed up about it. He was her idol, I mean before she found out how much he smoked, but still she loved him so much."

"Wow thats horrible. You should probably go talk to her."

"I can't she's in Tennessee for the Cheerio competition and I know she wont answer her phone right now."

"Well, she will be back on Sunday right? Just talk to her then. You have been friends forever. I doubt she will just throw that all away because you made one mistake.

"Yeah your right"

The next day I really wasn't in a party mood but I didn't have anything better to do. I felt terrible about what happened with Brittany, and I couldn't wait to make it right. I was right about her not answering her phone. I tried 5 times.

Rachel came to pick me up for the party and apparently Britt had already vented to her.

"How could you be so stupid San? Not only is it harmful to your health but you really hurt Brittany."

"I know okay? I wont do it anymore. I'm going to make things right with her but I have to wait till tomorrow and do it face to face since she isn't answering my calls."

"Well, you better make it right. Our group is too important for you to ruin."

"I will okay? Just leave me alone about it. I already feel bad enough."

The party was getting really good. Even though she was mad at me I still decided to keep my promise to Brittany and only have two drinks. A couple of Pucks older neighbors crashed the party but they made it even more fun. Rachel left at 12 to make curfew but not before reminding me again that I had to fix things with Britt tomorrow. I was sitting by the fire with my drink when one of Pucks neighbors came to sit next to me.

"Hey whats your name?"

"Santana Whats yours?"

"I'm Jake. You don't look very happy Santana want me to get you another drink?"

"No, I'm fine just thinking"

"Well you could probably still use another drink right?"

"Oh um no I promised my best friend I wouldn't drink alot."

"How much have you had cause you look fine?"

"This is my second"

"Wow then you can definitely use another three doesn't count as alot."

"Well, I guess you right. Okay I'll take another."

We were sitting on the couch talking as I drank my drink. I looked around and realized everyone was passed out, in bedrooms or had left. All of a sudden I started to feel really tired and weak. I was about to ask where Puck was when I felt Jake's lips on mine. I dropped my empty cup to the floor and pushed him off me.

"Woah, Jake um no I can't do that."

"Just relax its fine"

"No, I have a boyfriend"

"That's not really a problem in my book" at this point I started going in and out of consciousness "Seriously just relax and let me take care of everything." That's when the blackness took over.

I woke up in one of Pucks guest bedrooms feeling really groggy. I was trying to remember how I got there when Puck came into the room.

"Hey"

"Hi, um what the fuck happened last night?"

"I was hoping you would tell me that. You know cheating on my boy Sam is something I thought you would remember."

"I didn't cheat on him"

"Yeah you did. Jake already told like everyone what the two of you did"

"Do you mind telling me cause I have no idea. And I thought you said it wasn't cheating unless there is a ring on you finger?"

"Yeah thats my rule. I don't want the same for you. And are you serious you don't remember? How much did you drink last night?"

"I only had three drinks"

"Well what was in them cause clearly you were fucked up."

"The first two were Malibu and Coke and then Jake made me another I'm not sure what was in it. I'm guessing Blue Raspberry Vodka cause it was blue."

"We didn't have any Vodka at the party." He looked at me confused.

"Mother fucker I'm going to kill him"

"What?" More confusion.

"My dad told me once that I have to be careful with blue drinks cause ruffies turn drinks blue. Asshole mother fucker drugged me."

"That little prick I'll kill him"

"No, don't, just do some damage control please. Make sure nobody finds out"

"Santana we have to tell somebody. He basically raped you. No scratch that he did. And he is 21 so that's illegal in so many ways. When someone does something like that you have to tell someone." He didn't realize it but he was telling me what someone should have told me month ago. Not only was he right, but this time someone already knew and I doubt I will get away with him being the only one to know the truth compared to what Jake was probably telling everyone he knew.

"Look Puck its really sweet that you want to take care of me and protect me, but I don't exactly want the truth of this to spread. I don't want anyone that far into my business."

"Santana will you just for once stop trying to be so strong. This asshole violated you he cant get away with that." Thats the word I was trying to avoid for so long. Violated, Jesus it made me sound so weak.

"Noah please, stop talking. I'm going to handle this my way. So don't say anything to anyone."

"San your making a really big mistake here. I care about you too much to let you do that to yourself. He deserves to go to prison, he'd be going to Hell if I was in charge."

"Puck please, I know what your trying to tell me, and I know its the right thing to do but I really just want to forget it ever happened. Can you please just let me have that? Please?"

"Fine. Well, he already told the neighborhood but lucky for you they are all older and not likely to tell anyone that goes to our school you should be safe. If your going to ask me to keep this quiet just know that you are asking me to go against every fiber of my being and thats not exactly easy for me."

"I know. So you should know how much I appreciate it. Honestly in my eyes you are doing more good than harm by doing what I ask of you. Thank you Noah you really are a great person."

"Well, I care a lot about you Santana. I would do whatever it takes to make you happy. I just have one question. Since it wont technically affect you at all, can I murder this asshole?"

"Murder would make headlines, therefore making me see that paper and affect me. However you can beat him to a near death if you wish." We both laughed. Puck really was a great guy. I cant believe it took me until we were both in relationships to see it.

That was one thing I guess I didn't think of. What the hell am I supposed to do about Sam?

_**Review please.**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.**_

_**Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.**_

Chapter 7

At noon I decided to head over to apologize to Brittany. It gave her enough time to sleep in and recover from the late night plane ride last night and it gave me enough time to plan what I was going to say. Unfortunately, because I obsessed over it until I started my walk and had the perfect speech, I now had time to think about last nights incident.

How could I be so stupid? I should have know something was wrong the second he avoided my 'What's in this drink?' question. I guess the only upside to this was that I couldn't remember what we did so I couldn't have nightmares. The huge downside was also not being able to remember what we did. Did we have sex? Did he use a condom? What else did he do? Why the fuck didn't anyone stop him? So instead of having my sub-conscience attacked at night I now had to deal with all this stress while awake.

I didn't have time to calm down before my body went into autopilot the second I walked up to Brittany's door and rung the doorbell without knowing what I was doing. The door was almost immediately flung open giving me even less time.

"Santana whats wrong?" Brittany's was in pure shock when she opened the door. I was a little confused by her expression and question but I decided to start my apology.

"Look Britt I'm really sorry about the other day. I was such an idiot to forget the reason behind the promise and"

"Santana" she cut me off "Although I am really upset about that do you mind telling me why you are crying before you go any further?"

Crap I didn't even realize that I was crying, I definitely should have calmed myself down before ringing the doorbell. I must have looked like a deer caught in headlights because she didn't wait for my response before grabbing my hand and leading me to her room.

"Santana you've been acting really weird this whole school year. I mean you started drinking a whole bunch and there are these random cuts in weird places that can't be assumed as accidents, you've had panic attacks that I haven't seen from you since third grade. Then you started smoking and now when you are supposed to be apologizing you show up to my door in tears and look totally distracted, sacred, and paranoid. I know you said you would tell me whats going on when you are ready, but I really think you need to be ready right now whether you like it or not."

Damn she is a lot more observant than I thought. I don't know why, but her saying this with more determination than desperation to get me to talk finally cut whatever small sting that was holding me together. I suddenly started sobbing. It took two seconds for me to turn into an emotional wreck. She broke her determined expression and it was replaced with worry and I think I could sense a hint of fear.

"Santana please whatever it is you can tell me. No judgement. I'm trying to help you here please let me help you."

"Britt I'm so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for smoking for drinking for lying to you, everything. You have to know how sorry I am about all of this. I didn't mean for any of it to happen. I swear I didn't and I feel so stupid for letting it happen twice." Trying to talk through all my tears was a hard task but I felt like it was finally time.

Brittany took me in for a huge hug and just held me while asking, "Sweetie, please tell me what happened. Twice? I don't know what that means please tell me what that means. It's time for you to stop hurting. Let me help you take the pain away." I could tell she was trying to hold back her own tears. We may not all talk about feelings that often but we knew when each other were hurting and it hurt the rest of us as well.

"It's hard for me to talk about I haven't told anyone yet. Well Puck knows about the second time but I didn't tell him he just found out. I was trying not to tell anyone I didn't want anyone else getting mixed into this. God I'm so stupid. I realized after he talked to me that I had to tell someone and I knew I could talk to you but I still don't quite know how to say it. There's nothing in the world that prepares you to have this kind of talk with someone. I'm scared Britt not so much about the first one anymore but this past one scares me."

"Santana I still don't get it what happened to you? Who did you talk to? I can help you. I will help you. I don't care what it takes I'm going to help you with this but you need to tell me what this is first. I don't care how you say it I already told you I'm not here to judge you I'm here to help. Just say it exactly how it is. I'm right here nothing bad is going to happen to you right here, I'm my arms."

I knew she was right so i went for it. "I was raped Brittany. It happened twice" My voice was so small I couldn't even recognize it. So many emotions went through her face in so little time I don't think I caught them all but she settled on confusion.

"I'm sorry Santana I don't think I heard you right. Did you say you were raped?" I just nodded looking down. She was quiet for a while so I chanced a look at her. I could tell she was trying not to get too worked up for fear of scaring me out of talking. There were so many questions she could ask and I feared most of them.

"Santana I really don't want to say the wrong thing here, but why didn't you tell anyone when this happened? Why didn't you tell me sooner I could have helped. I'm sorry don't answer that but can you please tell me when this happened?"

"The first one happened when I was at Sof's house over the summer and the second one happened last night."

Her eyes widened when I said one happened last night.

"Santana you could still go to the police for the one last night. They can catch this guy and put him in jail. You can punish the bastard that did this to you."

"Britt no I can't do that."

"San its what you are supposed to do when this stuff happens. People like that aren't supposed to get away. They are supposed to get punished."

"I know Britt but honestly I just want this all to go away. If I go to the police it could take months for this all to be over but if I just leave it alone I might be able to forget it sooner."

"Santana its been months since the first incident and you haven't gotten over it yet, at least while you are trying to forget the creep will be behind bars and unable to do this to anyone else."

"Brittany I just don't want to. Taking this to court will just add more stress and I know thats selfish of me to not try to stop this from happening again just cause I can't deal with it but I think I deserve to be a little selfish here. As of now nobody else truly knows what I'm going through. It's hard and I don't want anything else added to that. I know that you are just trying to help me but I don't think doing this will help and its ultimately my decision so can you please just respect my decision?"

She nodded sadly and then said, "San I don't know if this will help you but maybe if you told me the story of what happened, just to get it off your chest, you will feel a little better. I think it's worth a shot. What do you say?"

"That might help a little but please be patient with me I don't know how long it's going to take me and I don't know how I will react to telling someone for the first time."

I spent the next two hours telling her the stories and crying. The three after that were me telling her all the emotions I was feeling after and why I reacted the way I did; the cutting and drinking and smoking that type of stuff. The whole time she was against the backboard of her bed and I was wrapped in her arms. I really did feel safe there, really like nothing bad could happen as long as I was here like I was finally home. Without even saying a word, just listening to all I had to say she was slowly helping me heal.

"Thank you for this Brittany, your really helping me out here."

"That's what I'm here for Santana, I would do anything to help you with everything. I love you, your my best friend."

"I love you too Britt. I'm so glad your my best friend." With that we fell asleep it had been a stressful day and we had school tomorrow.

**_Please Review_**


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.**_

_**Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.**_

Chapter 8

One week later

The week following Pucks party was pretty uneventful. Me and Britt had this unspoken rule that everything I told her would be left between the two of us. Neither of us thought it had to go anywhere else. Even though Quinn and Rachel would also help, we didn't think it was necessary to go through the painful process of retelling and therefore reliving both events. Britt said she could be there for me anytime I needed her, day or night she was just a phone call away. She took to checking me every day to see if I was cutting myself some more. I hadn't. She really was helping me. When I needed a shoulder to cry on she was there.

She told me it was okay if I didn't want to tell Sam, but it was something that I could tell him if I wanted to and everything would be okay. She talked me out of breaking up with him, saying that because I wasn't conscious it didn't technically cheat on him. I still felt kinda bad though.

I think he could tell something was different because I didn't really like to fool around with him anymore. We hadn't gone past kissing the whole week. I can't explain it, but every time he is really close I get this nervous feeling. It's not the good 'I think I might be in love' feeling, its the 'go away your making me uncomfortable' feeling. I also stopped smoking but he assumed it was because of Brittany getting mad at me last time. Really I was just trying to deal with things the healthy way this time.

Prom is tomorrow and, as my mom keeps warning me, 'everyone knows what happens on prom night.' I cant even think about doing that. I really do like Sam and for a while I thought I actually might be in love with him, but like I said before now I'm just uncomfortable around him. But it's not just him. I was pretty close with all my guy friends, like the 'hug touchy feely' close I am with all my friends, lately I can't even hug another guy without getting tense. Brittany usually notices and understands so she links her pinky with mine and I calm down almost instantly. She really has been amazing through all of this. It's only been a week and she is already helping me cope way better than when I tried to do it by myself the first time.

"So are you girls ready for tomorrow?" Rachel was all smiles extremely excited for prom tomorrow. We are currently at Quinn's house, Rachel thought it would be best if we planned out our schedule for tomorrow together so we would all end up at the park the same time for pictures.

"Definitely I cant wait to dance." Brittany replied equally excited. She was going with Artie but only as friends. She never was one to be in a relationship. I don't know what she had against them but she always found ways to take the perfect guy and find the smallest detail that would ruin his chances with her.

"Yeah I think it will be really fun, Jay finally asked me so its good to have a hot date that can dance too" We all laughed as we remembered Quinn's date last year. He had absolutely no rhythm the only thing that saved him for her was he was really cute.

"It's going to be awesome. Hey Quinn are you going to make it official with Jay or stick with no strings attached?"

"I don't know yet San I guess it just depends on how tomorrow goes" she smirked and winked at me.

"I'm going to take a wild guess and say you're not talking about his dance moves right now."

"And you would be one hundred percent correct on that Rach" We all laughed again.

"What bout you S, you going to finally go all the way with Sammy boy?"

I tensed and Britt noticed she linked our pinkies under the table, and I calmed. "Q, thats way to cliche for my taste. I'd rather not be the stereotypical teenager at prom." Even I was surprised with how easily I said that. They all just smiled.

"Always have to be different don't you S?" Rachel smiled at me. I still felt a little bad about not telling them everything, but Britt was right as long as I had her I didn't need to go through the pain of telling anyone else.

Prom day!

I had to wake up extra early this morning to get all primped for prom. First pick up the flowers, then get the hair done, then the make-up, and the dress and finally once all that shit is done I had to pose for about fifty-million different pictures from not only my parents but Rachel and Brittany and Quinn's as well. By the time we finished with all the pictures we were all starving so we decided to go to Breadstix for a short dinner before going to the school for the dance. Of course Mama and Papi just had to embarrass me in front of Sam before we could get safely in his car to get going.

"That's precious cargo there Sam, make sure she gets home safely" my mom smiled.

"And preferably still pure." My dad through in with a glare.

"Yes Mr. and Mrs. Lopez." Sam said with a surprisingly strong voice considering he looked like he was trying not to shit himself. "I will definitely respect both you and your daughter."

"Well, thanks Mama, Papi, you have officially scared him and scarred me so if this painful event is over we shall be going now. I'll be home later. Bye"

They were laughing as I grabbed Sam's sleeve and dragged him over to his car.

"Sorry about that they think they are funny."

"No, No thats fine I was actually expecting a lot worse from your dad he looks pretty intimidating."

"Yeah I was a little surprised he didn't throw in the ever hilarious 'I have the pull to rig the autopsy, they'll never know who did it' with a smirk at the end."

"I'm really glad he didn't, then I would have for sure shit myself." We laughed as he pulled up to the restaurant. He opened my door just like a perfect gentleman and I'm almost positive he was thinking my dad was actually the type to follow us here and possibly to the dance.

All our friends were already inside at our table. The all re-greeted us as we sat down. All us girls ordered salads and the guys got pasta.

"So Sam how'd it go with Mr. Lopez?" puck asked laughing.

"He's kinda scary but it wasn't too bad, he kept it short."

"Thanks to me" I laughed, "if I hadn't cut in who knows how long they would have gone on."

"Man San, remember when I went over to your house to study for that math exam and he fucking grilled me for like thirty minutes just cause he thought we were dating?" Puck laughed.

"Yeah he definitely wasn't that bad this time which confuses me considering Sam and I are actually dating."

"Must just be something about you Puck" Quinn laughed.

"Hey, I'm not that bad I mean we were literally just studying how does he get a bad vibe just from that?"

"He's a good judge of character. See I'm a nice guy so he didn't say much, Q's right its just you."

"Alright enough bagging on me. Who's stoked for tonight?"

There was a round of cheers from all of us and we went into regular conversation when the food came. I had a good feeling about tonight.

The dance was pretty normal and then we went to Puck's after for a small party. We were all having a great time until his neighbors came over Jake was with them. As soon as he walked in the backyard, Puck gave me a panicked look. My eyes widened and I immediately grabbed Brittany's hand who was sitting next to me. She jumped a little and gave me a questioning look. I mouthed 'thats him' and looked straight at Jake.

She jumped out of her seat immediately and took a step towards his direction. I got off Sam's lap at the same time and started to pull her towards the house. I didn't know what she was planning on doing but whatever it was I couldn't let her do it right now.

"Hey whats wrong Babe?" Sam asked.

"Um nothing I just need to used the restroom." I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and hauled Brittany into the house.

Once we were safely in the bathroom Brittany clarified, "Thats the asshole?"

"Yeah thats him" I said looking down concentrating on breathing and not freaking out. Brittany pulled me into her.

"Hey sweetie look at me focus on me. Don't let him do this to you, don't let him make your life miserable. Think of us think about how much fun we all have together. Think about before he did this. You're okay you're safe he cant touch you, remember nothing can hurt you when we are together."

My breathing finally evened out and I looked straight at her. I don't know how I got so lucky to have her as my best friend but whatever I did I'm glad I did it. I held her stare for a few seconds and whispered a 'thank you.'

"Don't worry bout it San I made you a promise. Whenever you need me I'm here. That's a lifetime offer."

"I don't know why you would make that promise. It must be a pain to have to take care of me like this."

"Never. And I mean you took care of me when we were younger, its just my turn now."

"Britt your biggest problem was stupid little kids. You're paying me back times like fifty probably more." I laughed a little.

"Ever heard of interest?" We both laughed at this. She gave me one more soft hug and said, "Now lets get back out there, it's our night for fun."

When we went back outside, Jake was gone, along with most of the other neighbors. Puck looked pissed and everyone else just looked confused. I sat back down on Sam's lap but kept my pinky linked with Brittany's.

"What happened?" I whispered to Sam.

"Puck went all crazy on the guy, I think his name was Jake, and nobody knows why. He just kinda pulled him aside and it started kinda calm but then he started screaming at him and punched him and just kept wailing on the guy Mike and I pulled him off and the other guys left and took Jake with them. He wont say why he freaked though." I couldn't stop the small smile that formed on my face.

"I'm gonna go see if I can get it out of him" I stood pulling Brittany with me again "I'll be right back."

I pulled Puck towards his house before asking "What just happened?"

He looked at Brittany trying to decide if he should talk now or wait till we were by ourselves.

"It's okay she knows."

"Oh okay, well I went up to Jake and told him he should leave and he was all 'why should I do that' trying to act all innocent and shit and then I called him out and he kept trying to deny it so i got pissed and kicked his ass. The good thing is that now the whole neighborhood now knows the truth and I told them not to say anything cause nobody here knows and you would like to keep it that way."

"Wow, thank you Puck. It really means a lot to me that you would do that for me."

"Well, like I said before, I care a lot about you San. I would do anything for you."

"I would give you a hug right now but everyone is watching us and thats only going to add to their confusion, so lets just say that I owe you." We both smiled and me and Britt went back to sit by the fire while he went inside to do whatever he needed to do.

"So what was that all about?" Quinn was the first to ask.

"Oh Jake owed Puck some money for some bet and he was refusing to pay up you know just being a little bitch about it and Puck just lost it."

Britt and the few neighbors that were left smiled at my cover and then we all went back to regular conversation.

Britt and my pinkies stayed linked the whole night and I couldn't help but think this is how it was supposed to be. Her and I had always been the closest out of our quartet. We had all known each other the same amount of time but the two of us just clicked tighter than the others. Our pinky linking came from our uncountable amount of pinky promises. Whether it was secrets we wanted the other to keep or just a promise to do something for or with the other it seemed like we did it so often it only made sense to leave them like that always. For some reason though, to me, it seemed even more important for us to have this right now.

**_Please Review._**


	9. Chapter 9

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.**_

_**Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.**_

Chapter 9

The two weeks after Prom went by with not much happening. Britt and I spent most of our time together and I could tell Sam was trying to get me to spend more time with him again. I changed the routine and only spent one day out of the week at his house and the rest either with Brittany alone or with Britt, Q, and Rach. Today, Saturday, its all three of them.

"So I think I'm going to break up with Sam." They all took their attention away from the movie, Sex in the City, our favorite, and Q and Rach looked at me shocked, while Britt just gave a sad smile. I had talked to her about this before. Basically, I still can't get over being uncomfortable around him. I was hoping it would ware off in time but it hasn't so far and I don't like feeling this way everyday.

"Why? I thought everything was going great between the two of you?" Rachel was the first to speak.

"Yeah thats kinda sudden, have you been wanting to do this for a while? Or is it so sudden cause you met someone else?"

"No, he's a great guy and pretty much the perfect boyfriend, but I can't do it anymore. I'm not sure why, but lately I just feel like I cant do the relationship thing anymore. And no Q there isn't anyone else. And its not even that I don't love him cause I do but its not in the relationship way anymore." That was true too even though it wasn't everything.

"Aww he is going to be crushed, he talks about you all the time the boy has it bad for you."

"Thanks Rachel you're really helping me with this" I replied sarcastically.

"Oh sorry S, its just that me and him have actually gotten to be really good friends since you two started dating" She looked at me sadly.

"Well, its not like you have to stop that. I don't hate him or anything I still want to be friends with him. I know like every ex-couple says they are still going to be friends but I'm actually determined to make it work."

"I'm sure you will make it work S." Brittany smiled at me.

Monday

"Hey Sam do you have a second?" I stopped him before going into Glee Club. I know it probably wasn't the best time considering we then had to spend the whole practice with each other, but I also didn't want to continue to lead him on the entire rehearsal.

"Always, for you" he smiled, which only made me feel worse. My heart started beating really fast and I looked down at my feet.

"Look Sam you're a great guy and an amazing friend, and I really feel like the two of us work best as just that, friends. I love you, but I just cant be in a relationship with you anymore. You're like the best guy friend I have and I really don't want to loose that. So, do you think we can go back to just being friends?" I chanced a look up at him and even though he looked disappointed, he didn't look angry or too sad.

"Sure San. I love you too, and if I cant be your boyfriend, I would definitely still like to be your friend." He kissed me on my cheek and smiled, "Now come on we can't be late to practice."

It went a hell of a lot easier than I had worked it up to in my head. Maybe it was just from experience, but I expected slamming doors and forced relationships. Of course Sam would never do that, but when you're scarred like that you tend to be overdramatic with everyone. It's not fun to only see the worse case scenario in every situation but its become my reality.

I felt a smile take over my face and a sudden weight off my shoulders. I didn't want to seem too happy considering I might have just broken somebody's heart, but I really was. I was immediately met with Rachel and Quinn the second I sat down.

"So I take it you're single now?" Quinn asked.

"Yup"

"How'd he take it?"

"I don't know he seemed okay" I looked over at him talking to Finn with a sad expression, "but he could have just been faking."

"Well, I'm sure he'll be fine soon."

"Hey Quinn, did you hear Britt has been talking to Artie. He really likes her and I think she might like him too." Rachel was the one to drop that.

"Wait, what? Britt and Artie? How do you know that?" I couldn't control the surprise in my voice.

"She told me yesterday, I practically had to drag the words out of her myself that girl is so private with that type of stuff. Wait, she didn't tell you? Haven't you guys been spending like every waking minute together?"

"Yeah we kinda have but no she didn't tell me."

"And you didn't notice her on her phone more often lately?"

"I just figured it was someone from the Cheerios like always."

"You sound upset S, why do you care so much?" Quinn felt the need to point out.

I hadn't really thought about that. I guess it's cause I expected she would tell me before anyone else. It kinda stung to know that she had been keeping this from me. I'm not sure why it hurt so bad though.

"I don't. I'm just surprised she didn't tell me. That's all."

"Yeah well you know how she is. She's very private."

I knew that but really after everything I have told her I would expect her to tell me about something as small as this. So if its so small why do you care so much? Well, I guess I can't answer that.

Friday

Nothing had really changed with the whole Artie Brittany possible relationship so far. She did end up telling me about it though. I told her that Rachel had already told me and suddenly she seemed really embarrassed and felt really bad. She apologized to me like fifty times and kept saying that the only reason she hadn't told me was because she didn't want me to get upset with all the progress I was making. I got confused and asked what she meant by that but she just said that she didn't want me to think that if she starts dating him that she will have less time for me.

I didn't think thats what she really meant by that but I didn't let it bother me. Right now I had a bigger problem. In all the excitement that I was healing faster this time I hadn't realized that my monthly gift from mother nature had yet to come. I must have been quite distracted considering it was now a month overdue.

I have always had very regular periods so to say this worried me was an understatement. And to say I was pissed when I found this out was the understatement of the year. I mean seriously, how could someone be so fucked up in the head that they would do this? I didn't want to say anything right away cause I mean it could still be from all the stress I've been going through lately right? It didn't absolutely mean there was a baby. Right?

Tuesday

I was excited to say the least that I started to feel the familiar infamous pain in my lower abdomen. It wasn't the usual pain but I didn't care. Pain meant Aunt Flow and that meant no baby. When it came time for Glee Club the pain was bordering on unbearable. Knowing that I was going to have to be practicing an intense routine didn't comfort me.

"Hey S, you feeling okay?" Brittany gave me a worried look.

"Yeah San you look like shit."

"Well thanks Q, you really know how to make a girl feel good about herself. I'm fine. I just have really bad cramps right now. I can't imagine dancing around with these. Can you both just let Mr. Schue know I went home?"

"Sure but how are you going to get there?"

"Um I'll have Ricky come pick me up."

"Okay are you going to be okay by yourself until then?" Brittany looked at me worried and for a second I thought she was going to ditch practice too.

"Yeah Britt I'll be fine. Text me later?"

"Definitely"

"See you guys later."

"See ya San"

Ricardo took me home but then took off again to go to his girlfriends house. Some brother right? I don't think he even noticed I was in pain.

I barely made it in the door before I felt the need to throw up. I always got that way when I was in intense pain. I stayed curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor trying to think of anything but the pain. When my mother came home from work thats exactly how she found me.

"Ricky what are you, oh San it's you. What are you doing home so early? And why are you on the bathroom floor? Have you been puking?"

"Yeah. Horrible pain, couldn't get up to get meds, help please." I was able to gasp out.

She gave me an amused smile before saying, "What kind of pain?"

"Felt like cramps. Much worse. Please I need the meds."

"Did you start today?"

"Ma, please, I'm dying here get the meds and then we will talk"

"Alright alright, geez someone is grumpy." _Yeah cause this is so fucking amusing right. Your daughter is dying on the bathroom floor and you want her life story before just helping her._

"Okay now whats your problem?"

"I'm in extreme pain right here." I pointed to where it hurt.

"Does this hurt?" she asked poking my stomach.

"Ouch! Yes that fucking hurt."

"Watch you mouth young lady. Well, San thats the same thing Ricky did when he had appendicitis. I think we should take you to the emergency room"

"A whole car ride? I don't think so, I might throw up all over your car."

"Well then you will clean it all up as soon as you are better. Let's go."

"Why can't Papi just fix it when he gets home?"

"Cause you father is a Cardiologist. Now get in the car"

"I don't want to move."

"Fine you can die right there then."

"Ha. Ha. You are hilarious Mama."

"Not trying to be funny, but I got you to move."

By the fourth hour waiting in the ER I was frustrated. The pain had gone down considerably. In fact it had disappeared. Mama wouldn't let me leave though. She used the stupid 'better safe than sorry' excuse.

Finally my name was called and I was led to the back.

"Hello Santana, how are you feeling?"

"Much better now, do you know what happened?"

"Well, the tests came back negative for appendicitis, so we are not really sure. It seems that your white blood cell count is a little higher than normal and that is a sign that your body is fighting some sort of infection but it wasn't one that our test could fine. Basically you are healthy."

"Basically?"

"Well, like I said your body is fighting an infection but its not appendicitis or cancer so what I'm saying is you don't need any treatment right now."

"So then why were my pains so bad?"

"I'm not quiet sure, but I do have a theory," He paused almost like he was nervous to ask the next question."

"Go on" I said to reassure him.

"Santana are you sexually active?"

It was my turn to pause. This man knew my father.

"Don't worry Santana anything you say in here is safe, I cannot legally tell anyone including your parents since you are of age."

"Okay, then yes I have had sex before." Not consciously but I guess I didn't have to tell him that part.

"Okay, and was this menstrual cycle later than usual?"

"Y-yeah it was" I started to get really nervous.

"Santana I could be wrong but I think you might have had a miscarriage. The area of the pain and the intensity of it fit perfectly."

At that point I lost it. I was pissed. At myself, at stupid asshole fucking bastard Jake. I was sad, I mean even though I didn't actually want to be pregnant and have a baby didn't mean I wanted to have a miscarriage. It was my fucking fault this happened. Why was I so fucking stupid? I realized that I was freaking and crying and gasping for breath when I saw the look on Doctor Anderson's face. The man looked terrified.

"Um sweetie do you want me to go get your mother?"

"No" I practically yelled "no she doesn't need to know about this. She would be so disappointed"

"Santana this isn't your fault you know? Things like this just happen sometimes. There isn't always an explanation."

"Well, that may be true but it's my fault I got pregnant in the first place."

"It might help you if you talk about this with someone and your mother is a wonderful woman she could really help you."

"I have friends to help me through this. Just give me a few minutes and I'll be out of your office."

"Alright sweetie, take your time."

It took me five minutes to calm down and another five to clean myself up. I sent a quick 'S.O.S' text to Brittany, that had become our code word, and was off to get my mother so we could go home.

"Hey hermosa, how'd it go back there? What's wrong with you?"

"They couldn't find anything. He said I'm healthy. Can we go now? I'm hungry."

"Yeah lets go."

**Brittany Pierce *:)**

**New Message**

**April 10 2011 7:35PM**

**San I'm so sorry, I'm at a baseball game with Artie and his family I'll come to your house after I promise. Just stay calm and breathe. I'll be there as soon as I can. I love you. :)***

For some reason I really cant explain this pissed me off. But fine whatever I know someone else that can help me when times get hard.

**Puck what r u doin? I need your help :(**

I got his response almost immediately

**Puck :)**

**New Messsage**

**April 10 7:37PM**

**Be at yours in 5? whats wrong?**

**Reply: I'll tell you when you get here. we r going to the park so just wait in ur car.**

"Mama I'm gonna go to the park with Puck. He's coming to get me in 5 minutes."

"Okay don't stay out too late it's a school night."

He showed up exactly five minutes later and we were off to the park. We didn't talk on the way there but I could tell he really wanted to know what was going on. We pulled into a parking spot and sat in the bed of his truck just watching the sun setting.

"San I'm starting to get worried what's wrong?"

"I had a miscarriage" I said just above a whisper.

"What? Wait who? Please tell me it wasn't Jake I'm really going to kill that fucker now."

"Puck please? Just be here with me right now?" I was crying at this point very close to sobbing, but I was trying my best not to totally break down. He calmed down immediately.

"I'm sorry San. Shit I'm so sorry" He sat me on his lap and just held me while I cried into his chest. "It's gonna be okay you know? I know everything seems shitty right now but I promise you everything will get better eventually. I'll make sure of it."

by this point I lost it and started sobbing. I couldn't find the strength to answer so I just nodded my head.

"San I've got you, you're safe, I'm here, everything is fine. Man I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are one of the best people I know, you don't deserve any of this. I can't help but blame myself, it was my party, I knew you were out there by yourself, I should have been there for you then I'm so freaking sorry." I could tell by the way his voice shook at the end that he was on the verge of tears.

"Puck its not your fault, it's mine, I was stupid. I shouldn't have accepted that drink."

"San lets be real here. Jake is the fucker at fault. Don't you dare blame yourself for one second, but I really am sorry. I swear to everything that I'm going to help you through this, no matter what I'll be here for you. Just think of me as your personal bodyguard." I had to laugh a little at that, only cause I knew he was going to take that job to a whole new level.

"Thank you Puck, your a great friend, I love you."

"I love you too San. And I'm serious everything is going to be okay."

After about a half an hour we both decided we should probably get home. It was a school night. When Puck dropped me off, he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek, it was innocent and comforting so I gave him a tight hug back and thanked him again. before I pulled away he whispered in my ear, "Don't forget San, day or night, whenever you need me I'm here." I nodded and left his truck.

As I was walking up my walkway I noticed someone sitting on my porch. I tensed and slowed my walk.

"Don't worry San it's just me"

"Damn Britt way to give me a heart attack"

"Sorry. Your mom said you were out with Puck so I just decided to wait out here."

"Oh I'm sorry. Where you waiting long? Don't you have to be home?"

"I was only here for ten minutes and I already talked to my mom, as long as its okay with you and your family I'm allowed to stay here tonight, if not she said she would come pick me up, I had Artie drop me off here right after the game."

"Of course its fine. How is your relationship by the way?"

"Not really a relationship, we just like hanging out together."

"I heard he likes you a lot." Bitterness was threatening to break though.

"Yeah well he's not really my type. So what was the S.O.S about?"

"Uh lets go upstairs, I don't want to talk about it down here."

Once we were in my room, Things got a little awkward.

"Do you mind if I check?" she was talking about the cutting. It was routine, every time I sent an S.O.S out she had to check me for cuts.

"Go ahead but your not gonna find anything."

"Good" But she didn't make a move.

"So, go ahead"

"No. It's okay I trust you."

"Oh okay."

"So what happened?"

I told her the story but this time I didn't break down, just a few tears.

"Oh San I'm so sorry. That's horrible, and I'm really sorry I wasn't here right away. I should have been. That wasn't fair to you."

"Don't worry about it Britt, I would have preferred you, but Puck was actually really good with helping me deal with this."

"You actually told him?"

"Yeah, I figured, next to you, he is the only person that knows so it made sense to tell him."

"Oh well thats great." She paused awkwardly and then asked shyly, "so do you like Puck?"

"Um, I mean he's cool and everything and I love him, but its more like brother sister love. So no."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Well for one he seems like he is really in love with this new girlfriend, and I'm happy for him. Other than that, it's like I told you before, I just don't feel comfortable around a lot of people right now and even though I know I can trust him one thousand percent, I don't know, I feel like if I am in a relationship with any guy and it comes to the point were we are supposed to take the next step I'll totally freak out and have flashbacks. I know it doesn't make sense, and hopefully one day I'll get over this fear but for right now I just don't think I could handle that." The tears started up again. I really hated being so damn emotional lately. Britt pulled me into another hug and I still couldn't comprehend the way she made me feel with something as simple as putting her arms around me.

"No, San don't worry about it, that totally makes sense. I'm sorry I brought it up." She kissed the top of my head and I completely relaxed and melted into her arms.

"It's alright Britt. So what was it this time?"

"What was what?"

"The reason you can't date Artie. You always find the tiniest thing and its like a switch is flipped and suddenly you have absolutely no interest in the person pursuing you."

"Is that seriously what you all think? That I make up stuff to get out of dating?"

"I don't think you are making stuff up your just really picky is all. That's not always a bad thing, just means you know what you like. But seriously, what was it this time?"

"Nothing."

"Come o' Britt there had to be something."

"It's just," she mumbled something that I couldn't quite catch.

"What was that?"

"I like someone else."

"Oh mind telling me who?"

"Yes"

"Yes? You'll tell me?"

"No. Yes I mind, so I wont tell you."

"Oh come on Britt. You cant tell your best friend in the whole wide world?" I said with a pout. I wasn't really sure why I cared so much but something inside me was screaming at me to get this information out of her.

"Nope. Wow I'm tired." She yawned but I could tell it was fake. "I think its time for bed we have school tomorrow."

"Fine meanie I'll get it out of you at some point though you can count on that." I said with mock annoyance and stuck my tongue out at her.

Once we were in our pajamas, we crawled into my bed. It finally hit me how tired I was, but it only made sense, it was a long and stressful day. I grabbed Brittany's hand and made it so her arm was wrapped around me and our fingers were intertwined.

"Night Britt Britt. I know your tired of hearing it but thank you. I love you."

"Night San, I love you too." She kissed my head and I was sure it wasn't going to take long for me to fall asleep. About five minutes went by and I could feel Brittany shift around behind me, never breaking our hands apart. It felt like she was resting on her elbow and I could feel her eyes on me. She sighed. I was about to roll over and ask her what was wrong when she started talking.

"San, why do you do this to me?" I'm almost positive she thought I was asleep so I was going to interrupt, but a huge part of me really wanted to know what she was going to say. "I really wish I could just tell you, but I know that with everything going on right now it just isn't the right time. I should have just told you when I wanted to at Rachel's beach house. Then, hoping you feel the same way, none of this would have happened to you. I'm so sorry San. Listen to me I sound like I'm talking to someone in a freaking hospital that is about to die." I had to fight a really strong urge to laugh at that statement. "I'm in love with you San, and its wrong for me not to tell you and keep being this close to you. Now your going to totally freak when or if I tell you. Everything will change and I'm don't want to loose you. Being your friend means the world to me and I don't want to mess that up." She sounded like she was going to cry and it broke my heart to pieces. I felt her place a kiss on my shoulder and fall back onto the bed. Her breath evened out and I was positive she fell asleep.

My mind went over her confession a countless number of times. I can't believe I had been so blind to this. She's my best friend and I over looked what seemed to be her biggest burden as of late. How could I be so selfish? I was probably hurting her every time I cuddled with her or said I loved her or kissed her, even if it was innocently on the cheek or head. Then it hit me. _Maybe I'm in love with her too. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so attached to her lately, and maybe that feeling I had towards her and Artie's relationship was jealousy. Holy crap I'm in love with my best friend, and she loves me back. Now what? I'm not supposed to know she's in love with me._


	10. Chapter 10

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.**_

_**Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.**_

Chapter 10

I guess I should have told her the next morning that I heard her confession and that I had one of my own, but I didn't. I know I love her, but she was right, it would change everything if we said it to each other. It's taken me two weeks so far to go over everything. The first week was all the pros and cons.

Her being a girl had no influence over my choice. From a young age my opinion has been that love is love. I strongly believe that anyone can fall in love with anyone, gender, age, race, none of that matters when it comes to love. Based on that, it should be a simple case for me, open and shut really, but I have to take in other peoples opinions too. I know my parents would support me, they supported my sister after all, but I also know that none of my extended family knows about her. People around town wouldn't be too chill with it either, hence the reason my sister moved so far away. None of that should matter to me. That's what I kept repeating in my head, "Nothing can stop fate."

So then I went on the thinking about how we would change. We've been best friends since kindergarden, how much would that change if we became a couple? Would our group dynamic change? How would Quinn and Rachel take it? I know they wouldn't be against it, but would we all not hang out as much?

After I was able to come up with nothing but good possible scenarios, which wasn't easy to do, I started to think about how exactly I would be able to tell her. That's how I spent my second week. I couldn't just be like "Oh by the way I heard you talking to me when you thought I was sleeping and I know you're in love with me and I love you too so now we can just be a happy couple" cause I'm pretty sure she wouldn't take that very well. Then I had an awesome idea, wouldn't it make the perfect birthday present?

Every once and a while during this time my mind would wander to the latest incident. It's not something that is easily forgotten. I would think about what would be happening to me if that hadn't happened. Would this be the point that I tell my parents? I didn't like to dwell on it so I often called either Puck or one of the girls to take my mind off things.

Now that I knew Brittany's secret it was a little more obvious to me. Just the little things she did, like the looks she would give me, and it always surprises me that I didn't figure it out before. I tried my best not to tip her off that knew

...

"Hey Britt do you have anything planned for your birthday?" Rachel asked. It's Monday and Britt's birthday is this Friday.

"Not really, I thought we could just have a girls night. Nothing too big."

"Aw hell no Britt. It's your eighteenth birthday there is no way we are staying at home by ourselves." I had to agree with Quinn on that one.

"Yeah Britt, we all went out and partied on our eighteenth, now its your turn. And great news on that topic, My parents are going out of town. My dad has some conference out of state and they will be leaving Thursday and wont be back till Tuesday."

"Don't you usually go with them on those things?"

"Yeah, but I couldn't leave for Britt's birthday. That's like against the laws of friendship and that's exactly what I told my parental units. Plus, they didn't want me missing school this close to the end of the year so it all worked out. They do think I'm staying at one of your houses though."

"Awesome, so what do you say Britt? Party at San's house? We could just invite the Glee Club members if you still don't want it that big"

"Alright fine, but it has to be Saturday. My parents are taking me out to dinner like they do every year." Puck came to sit next to us at that point.

"So Britt, party Saturday for your birthday?"

"How the hell did you know that? She just said yes two-seconds ago." Rachel looked at him in complete confusion. I tried to hide a laugh.

"If there is a party I know about it. I have my ways." He winked at her.

"But it was literally planned two-seconds before you walked up."

"Chill shorty, I heard you as I was walking up and Santana told me she was going to try to plan something when we were talking last night. There, see, no paranormal stuff happening you can relax now."

"Shut up Puck I just thought it was weird is all." We all laughed at that.

"So San, Puck, you two been talking a lot lately?"

"Yea, Q that's what friends do."

"Really? Just friends?"

"Yup thats all. I happen to have a girlfriend that I might possibly maybe be in love with."

"Aw our little Pucky growing up and falling all in love" I said in a baby voice then added, "and I happen to have my eyes on someone else." Puck smiled after shoving me a little for mocking him. I had told him and only him about what was happening with Britt. He of course thought it was awesome and 'super hot.'

"Oh really?" "Who S?" Quinn and Rach said at the same time. Britt just sat there trying to hide her interest in the conversation.

"None ya business."

"Oh come on San, we tell each other everything."

"I bet Brittany knows don't you Britt." Britt just shook her head trying not to look completely shut down. I felt the sting and regretted saying anything about it.

"So San, do you need me to supply for the party or can your bro do it?" I was thankful for Puck changing the subject.

"Ricky made sure my stash was full when he came back this weekend. But if you want beer you have to get it yourself, that shit is nasty."

"Alright so should I be spreading the word or just Glee Club this time?"

"Just Glee Club I don't want a big party." Britt answered.

"Tell them I have enough room for everyone to stay but they best not be hooking up on my beds, floor, or furniture for that matter."

"Iight Catch up with you all later."

"See ya later Puck."

"So you really not going to tell us San?"

"Don't worry bout it Rach, if everything goes according to plan you will know by next week for sure." Just then the bell rang and I grabbed my stuff to go. Luckily I only had one more class before my free period, in the place of the Cheerios, which meant only on class where I would still be questioned about who this new person was by Rachel. I smiled at Brittany and was on my way Rachel close behind throwing out names to see if I would give in and tell her.

...

The week went by quickly and before I knew it, it was Friday night. The day was fun, we had a mini celebration in Glee Club in Brittany's honor. Now me and Puck were hanging at my house getting everything ready for tomorrow night.

"So I need you to do me a favor."

"Whats that babe?"

"If it looks like for even one second that I'm going to back out I need you to slap me and make me do it."

"Will do, you got the present already?"

"Yup." I held up the necklace. It was a gold heart with and S in it. Cheesy, I know, but she liked that kind of stuff so I thought it would be okay.

"Good, and don't worry San, seriously what do you have to worry about? You already know she loves you just don't drink too much and puke all over her or something." He laughed but I panicked. "Geez Santana chill, it was a joke you will be fine."

"No, I know I wont drink too much, she made me promise I will only have two to three drinks at every party from now on, but, I do sometimes puke when I get super nervous." He started laughing and I slapped his arm.

"Ouch okay sorry. Well, maybe you should have a few drinks it will calm your nerves and she will be so happy she will forget to get angry that you broke your promise."

"You know you're kinda a genius. If we both weren't in love with other people, I'd totally date you." We both laughed "Speaking of, is your girl gonna come tomorrow?"

"I think so. She kinda gets grounded for stupid reasons sometimes so she doesn't get let out often. I honestly think her parents are just trying to keep her away from me."

"Well based on your rep around town I'd say thats a pretty safe bet."

"Oh come on you know I'm not all bad."

"I know that, but not everyone does."

"Well she said tomorrow she is telling them that she is just hanging with you girls, so they know where she is they just don't know that we will all be here."

"Oh thats genius except what if they show up at the door checking up on her? What do I tell them?"

"Well, your not drinking right? Just shut off the music if you hear the door and say something. You're like the queen of bull shitting people I'm sure it won't be that hard."

"Fine but if the situation actually comes up you owe me."

"Alright deal. Well, it's getting late, I have to be home but I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay see ya later."

"Don't worry San everything will be fine tomorrow."

"Yeah I know." With that I walked him to the door and said goodbye. I fell asleep early just so that tomorrow would come sooner. I was more nervous than I could ever remember being but I was also really excited.

...

"Hey girls ready to party?" I said opening the door.

"San we have eight more hours till people will start showing up. No need to get excited yet."

"Oh come on Rach you know you're excited."

"Yeah, yeah, we are all excited. Now tell me why we came over this early?"

"Q it's twelve thats only early to you."

"Excuse me if I like to sleep in on my weekends."

"Sleeping in is like 10 but whatever anyway you all showed up early so that we can go shopping. I need something to wear for tonight and I thought we could all go out to lunch for B's birthday."

"Oh well in that case lets go. You should have said that in the first place."

"Okay, who's driving?"

"I will" Britt said.

"Shotgun!" I called and darted towards her car.

"Hey no fair" both Q and Rach yelled after me.

I jumped in the car and started laughing as I watched their delayed reaction. Britt just shook her head and got in the drivers seat.

"So where to first? Breadstixs or the mall?"

"Breadstix. I haven't eaten yet."

"Alright everyone buckle up."

Lunch was fun. It finally hit me how little time we have spent all together since school started. I couldn't believe we graduated in less than two months and started college in four. We all had early acceptance to NYU and my dad was going to rent an apartment in the city for us. Even with us all living together I didn't know how much time we would have together, our majors wouldn't allow much time for socializing. I guess, at the end of the day, that didn't matter though, as long as we were all together.

"S you okay? You're being kinda quiet."

"Just thinking. Can you believe we are graduating and going off to college so soon? It feels like we just started high school."

"Crazy right? In less than four months we will be living out dream. New York here we come." Rachel was practically glowing with excitement.

"I'm going to miss everyone here though."

"Me too Britt."

"I think we all will, but we will be back to visit and we have out phones and computers we will be video chatting with everyone so much it will be like nothing changed." Quinn said.

"A toast. To Brittany's birthday and the rest of our lives."

"Rach you're so lame to toasts anymore."

"Hey I was just trying to make you all laugh, you and Britt looked like you were ready to cry."

"As long as I have all of you it wont be that bad."

"Just like everything else in out lives, we are going though this together."

"Well, then let's all go shopping shall we?"

I didn't take long for me to find what I wanted. We spent the three hours after that just goofing off and trying on weird clothes that we would never buy. It was nice to be out and having fun with my best friends. I didn't once feel like I was faking it either. I was genuinely happy. I knew it was all thanks to Brittany and that only made me more excited for tonight.

...

By the time we made it back to my house we had two hours to get ready for the party. We set up all the drinks first and then went to get ready, that way if people started showing up before we were ready they wouldn't have to wait for the drinks. Rachel and Quinn took the downstairs restrooms to get ready and me and Britt took the upstairs.

I was in my bathroom still getting ready when Brittany walked in.

"What time is it?"

"It's 7:45, they should be showing up any time now."

"Alright I'm almost done What bout Quinn and Rach?"

"We're done. Come on girl pick up the pace."

"Just one sec. Okay done."

"So San, it's the weekend. Can we know yet?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh common S can't you just be normal and gush about your crush like any other girl?"

"How many times do I have to tell you, being normal is boring."

"God S you're so frustrating. You know what I meant."

"Okay how bout this. If it works out between me and ... this person... I'll tell you. If it doesn't well then you're just shit outta luck." The door bell rang and once again it was perfect timing. "Lets go girls its time to party."

Puck was the first to arrive with his girlfriend, Shay. The others weren't too far behind. Everyone usually got pretty wasted at these things minus me, Britt and Finn sometimes. Because of this my plan was pretty simple. Once everyone was passed out I was going to take Britt upstairs and tell her everything. Shouldn't be hard right? Wrong.

I was in the middle of a conversation with Puck and Shay when Brittany walked up to me.

"Hey Santi. How's it going?" Brittany slurred as she sat down next to me.

"Britt you okay?"

"Perfect never been better."

"Really? Cause you look pretty wasted and you never get drunk like ever."

"Well, it is my birthday well yesterday was but it's my party and I thought what the hell. What's it to you anyway?" At this point Puck decided this wasn't a conversation he should be around for and took Shay to the dance floor.

As soon as he was gone I asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I didn't think you cared what I did. It's not like you've paid that close of attention anytime before."

"What are you talking about Britt? You're my best friend I always pay attention to you. If I ever made you fell any different I'm sorry." This totally wasn't what I was used to. Of course I had never actually seen her drunk before. Apparently she was a moody drunk.

"Ha. yeah right. If you really paid attention you would already know."

"Know what Britt?" I already knew but I wanted to see if she would say it out loud.

She froze for a moment and then snapped. "Nothing. Obviously its not that important for you to know." She stood up to walk away but lost her footing quickly and started to fall. I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to sit back on the couch.

"Britt you need to sit down for a while. Let me go get you some water."

"No. I want to dance."

"B you can barely stand I'm not gonna let you go fall on your face." She started to get up again but this time she sat back down herself.

"I feel dizzy."

"Yeah drinking does that to a person. Come on you can go lie down in my bed."

"I dont think I can make it up those stairs."

I could hav done it the easy way and let her sleep in one of the downstairs rooms and waited for another opportunity to talk to her but if I didn't do it in the next 24 hours I was afraid I was going to chicken out.

"Okay wait here I'll be right back." My first stop was the kitchen to get some water and bread and then I went to find Puck.

"Hey San. How'd that go?"

"She's too drunk. I need you to carry her up to my room I'm gonna try to sober her up a little."

He smiled trying to hold back a laugh. "Puck get your mind out of the gutter, I mean with this." I held up the water and bread.

"Sorry, okay where is she?"

"Follow me. And please don't drop her down the stairs."

"Oh please San. Don't doubt these babies." He help up his arms and flexed.

"Whatever, come on."

Everyone was too wasted to see that the birthday girl was leaving the party. That was for the best though, at least if I succeeded nobody would come up and ruin the moment. Once we were in my room I thanked Puck and closed my door to muffle the pulsing music.

"How are you feeling?"

"Still dizzy and a little nauseous."

"Alright drink this and eat a little of this."

"Why am I eating bread?"

"I absorbs some of the alcohol in your system and sobers you up a bit. Plus I found that If you have some of this in you and start to puke it doesn't hurt as bad."

"San please don't say puke." She said gagging a little on the word.

"Hey if you're gonna...get sick, Pleas let me know first so you can make it to the bathroom. I love you Britt but I wont be cleaning up that mess."

"I don't think I will."

"How much did you drink?"

"Like 2 shots and 4 mix drinks I think"

"Oh wow lightweight much?" I said laughing.

"Hey the most I've ever had before is two drinks. I didn't even feel it till I stood up. Guess you're not supposed to drink it all while sitting down and then get up and start dancing."

"No, you probably should avoid that in the future. Well, you're actually kinda lucky, it will take less time for it to leave your system since its not that much."

I was right about a half an hour and two pieces of toast later she was only on a buzz.

"Thanks San. So do you want to get back to the party? It's only 1."

"Um sure" Chicken "Wait, no. Not yet. Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Yeah sure San whats wrong?"

"Nothings wrong. I was just wondering why you were getting so mad at me earlier?"

"Oh um it was nothing. Guess I'm just an angry drunk?"

"Yeah, but where did that anger come from? You know what they say, 'a drunken man's words area sober man's thoughts.' Why are you mad at me?"

"San I'm not mad at you. Maybe frustrated but I could never be mad at you."

"Look Britt there's no easy way to say this so I'm just gonna say it how it is and please don't say anything until I'm done?" she nodded "Remember a couple weeks ago, after I found out the news, when you spent the night at my house. Well, you started talking, I'm pretty sure you thought I was asleep." Her eyes went wide and she blushed a little and was about to say something but I cut her off. "Please, let me talk, I was going to cut you off and tell you I was awake but I really wanted to know what you were going to say. I'm sorry by the way, that was a complete invasion of privacy. But you really opened my eyes that night. I had been having these feelings and I wasn't quite sure what they were. I knew I was incredibly thankful that you helped me through everything, but it seemed to go deeper than that. It really started to show whenever I would think about you with Artie. Anyway, when you said you were in love with me, I started analyzing everything and realized," I took a deep breath, "I'm in love with you too. I don't know when it really started, I mean we have always been close but I know now that its way more than that. I'm going to be honest and say that if everything hadn't happened, you know all the bad things, I might not have ever realized it, so in a way I'm really glad everything happened, cause it helped me see that you are the most important person in my life and I don't think I could go on from now without you by my side. I love you Britt."

She looked shocked, for a second I thought I broke her. There was about 10 seconds of pure silence in the room. The only thing that could be heard was the bass of whatever song was playing downstairs.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.**_

_**Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.**_

Chapter 11

"Britt, please say something"

"Santana I have no idea what to say. I've been dreaming of hearing you say something like that for a year now. The only thing I can think to say right now is, is this real life? Did I pass out and am I now having a very realistic dream?"

"Damn Britt, you scared me for a second. I thought I had dreamt of you saying all those things three weeks ago and made myself sound like a fool right now."

"I still can't believe you heard me say all that. I'd be embarrassed if it hadn't made you say everything you just did right now which I also can't believe. Wow, San, I still don't know what else to say."

"How bout we figure out what to do next? I mean what do we do now?"

"Would it be completely weird of me to just go straight to asking if you would be my girlfriend?"

"I think it would be appropriate I mean we have already confessed our love for one another. We are going backwards anyway. I think its okay for us to skip that awkward dating phase." She laughed and then looked serious. "Whats wrong?"

"I feel like I owe you an explanation as to why I didn't tell you sooner."

"Britt you don't have to if you don't want to."

"No, I want to. Look I know that the Glee Club and our parents would be fine with it, but what about everyone else? We don't live in the most accepting town. People can be cruel. Look at what Kurt has to go through and what Sof went through. I know you're strong enough to handle all of that but I don't think I am."

"Brittany you cant let other people get in the way of what you want. Besides, we only have four more months in this shit hole. Then we will hardly get a second look walking down the street together."

"See Santana this is just one of the many reasons I love you. Given any situation you know exactly what to say."

"Yeah well I am pretty awesome." We both laughed

"And ever so modest. Come on lets go back to the party, It's rude to not attend you own birthday party."

"Yeah I should probably go make sure the kids aren't tearing apart my house." I was about to open the door when I felt her grab my wrist. I turned around and before I could ask what was wrong I felt her lips on mine.

When I was younger I thought seeing fireworks during a perfect kiss was a bunch of bull shit. But holy freaking shit thats only because I had never kissed her. She made every cliche come true, weak at the knees speechless, dizzy. All too soon it was over although it probably lasted a lot longer than it felt. I could do that all day. We pulled away and both stood in silence.

"Are you sure you want to go down stairs? We could just call it an early night?" I asked completely serious.

"As much as I would love to do that we have a party to attend. I wouldn't worry too much though. People are probably already passing out."

She was right when we went downstairs only Puck, Shay, Artie, and Quinn were still up. I turned down the music and they looked at us. Puck smiled knowingly and the others were too drunk to notice our hands intertwined.

"Hey where have you two been?" Quinn slurred.

"Britt drank a little too much so we were trying to sober her up a little." I looked around and everyone was on the floor of the family room. "Why did everyone sleep here? There are plenty of guest rooms, and where's Rach and Finn?"

"They took a guest room. As for everyone else they just kinda dropped. I don't think they had time to even register that they were tired before the fell asleep."

"Okay, well when you all get tired Sof and Ricky's rooms are open and the other guest bed down here. Nobody is allowed in the master bedroom my parents would find out and kill me."

"Actually I'm pretty tired right now where is the other guest bed?" Shay asked.

"Puck knows where its at. You two kids have fun now" I said with a smile. He just rolled his eyes. "And clean up any mess you leave" I shouted after them.

"Shut up Santana." The four of us left busted up laughing.

"Hey Santana, I was wondering um do you think you could help me lie down on the couch?"

"Yeah no problem Artz" Q and Britt started talking bout something as I wheeled Artie to the biggest couch.

"Just so you know I already know about you and Britt."

"What? How?"

"She told me that she liked you and I sort of noticed how you look at her. You two walking down the stairs looking like you did, I just kinda connected the dots."

"Oh, so you're okay with it right?"

"Oh yeah of course thats why I thought I'd let you know. Everyone in Glee Club will be fine with it just thought I'd use myself as an example."

"Yeah I figured. I wasn't actually worried about them. I just wanted to make sure you weren't mad since I know you kinda like her."

"Oh that? No I was never really that into her. I actually like Quinn, we were going to try to plan something so that we could both get our girls but we couldn't go through with it. I just like hanging out with her."

"Wow, you and Q? I'll see what I can do bout that."

"Really? Cool thanks Santana. And I think this is the part where I'm supposed to say, 'Don't hurt Brittany she's a great person' blah blah blah. but I know you'll be okay. You two really love each other." We both laughed and said goodnight.

"Hey Q where are you going to sleep?"

"I think I'll take Sof's room, 'night guys."

"Night Q"

"So, tired?"

"Not really but I can think of a way to occupy our time until we are."

This night will forever go down as my favorite party. Just cuddling with Brittany was better than anything I ever did with Puck or Sam.I also came up with the perfect way to both let her know how I felt and tell the Glee Club.

People cleared out pretty early this morning. It was just Quinn, Rach, Britt and me left. Everyone helped clean up so we only had to get rid of the trash now. None of us had hangovers but we were extremely tired.

I looked over at Britt and she shook her head answering my silent question. We had talked last night saying that we would tell Q and Rach together but I had a surprise for her in Glee Club.

"So Q, Rach, you know how you wanted to know who I was interested in?"

"You're gonna tell us?" Rachel practically squealed.

"Does that mean it worked out?"

"So they are in the Club?"

"I mean you guys could just sit there and guess if you want."

"No" "Just tell us"

"I think we should just tell them San" Britt said with a smile.

"Wait she knows?"

"Did she just say we?"

"What the hell?"

"Yeah she said we. Me and Britt are together now."

"I knew it! You two have been spending so much time together lately."

"Wait so when did this officially happen?"

"About 7 hours ago? Give or take."

"Wow, Surprising but it makes sense."

"I guess congratulations are in order."

"We are so happy for you two."

"So how exactly did it happen?"

We decided last night that we would tell them she helped me through some stuff but not get into specifics. They were extremely excited for us and I had never been more happy.

...

The next day in Glee Club, it was time for my surprise.

"Um Mr. Schue? I have something I would like to say."

"Okay the floor is yours."

"Well, first I have a song and then I'll fill you all in on what it means." I cued up Brad on the piano and started.

_Hands over my head thinkin' what else could go wrong_

_Woulda stayed in bed, how could a day be so long_

_Never believe that things happen for a reason,_

_But how this turned out removed all my doubt so believe_

_That for you I'd do it all over again_

_Do it all over again_

_All I went through led me to you,_

_So I'd do it all over again_

_For you_

At that point I went over to Britt and pulled her up front with me.

_I missed the first train stood out in the rain all day_

_(little did I know)_

_When I caught the next train, there you were to sweep me away_

_Guess that's what I waited for_

_Never believed that things happen for a reason_

_But how this turned out removed all my doubt_

_So believe that for you I'd do it all over again_

_Do it all over again_

_All I went through led me to you so I'd do it all over again_

_Oh, who ever thought a day gone so wrong could turn out so lovely_

_Yea, I'm so glad I found you_

_Even though the day went so wrong, I wouldn't change a thing_

_Yea, yea_

_I'm a do it_

_Do it all over again_

_Do it all over again_

_All I went through led me to you_

_So I'd do it all over again_

_Do it all over again_

_I'd do it all over again_

_I'd do all over again for you_

_All I went through led me to you_

_So I'd do it all over again for you_

_Whoever thought a day gone so wrong could turn out so lovely_

_Whoever thought a day gone so wrong could turn out so lovely_

Everyone started clapping but they also looked really confused.

"So obviously its not literal but its the meaning that I was going for. For those of you who still look like you just saw a dog stand and start teaching your math class, Britt and I are together now. The song kinda tells it how it is, I was going through some stuff but it all brought me to Britt."

"Well Santana that was nice. So now on to the lesson."

Me and Britt went back to our seats.

"That really was sweet San thank you. But I would never want you going through any of that again." She gave my hand a tight squeeze and I returned it.

"I would though Britt. For you I wouldn't change a thing. I know you would heal me every time too." I kissed her cheek and we tried to pay attention to what was happening in class. Never breaking our hands apart.

**_Okay I got bored and decided to just finish it. Sorry if it sucks. I would like to know what you think though so review please. Oh and the song is 'Again' by Bruno Mars._**


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